Today is one of those annoying days where I feel sad and melancholy completely out of the blue. Could this be hormonal shenanigans messing with me for sport? It there a tiny blip in my brain chemicals? Is my microbiome, gut bacteria, fluttering out of whack? Whichever, whatever it is I disapprove and am currently giving it the finger.
Yesterday I cleaned out my purse and found a small trinket from my last visit with my ex; remembering the day made me smile. Then I smiled again because I was smiling. It was a regular smile fest all over the place.
I took this as a good sign to finally tuck away those things that reminded me of him…or at least the ones that solely reminded me of him not the awesome stuff he gave me that fit with my other awesome stuff to make things more awesome.
As happens too often, I woke up this morning with a clear realization: I was the reason for our breakup. It wasn’t because he did not want anything long-distance, or that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now, or any of the other reasons I wish could be the case. He did not want a relationship with me, specifically me, so much so he barely remembered to tell me before he moved on.
This thought just smacked me across the face. It took me a while to acknowledge it, but here it is, it is all about me. For once maybe my narcissism is valid.
I let it sink in, I walked for a bit to get the blood flowing so my brain had the proper nourishment for swirling and when I was done I determined it sucks, but it’s fine. It has to be. I can’t change the situation. I am not going to change who I am and wouldn’t if I actually could.
I do love his voice!
Ugh. Shortly after my breakup, an old acquaintance contacted me offering support and an ear. She was not someone I was particularly close to and someone I had always been tentative with as she could be unpredictable but I was on a kick to reconnect with old friends and could use an extra pair of ears.
We hung out briefly, the evening seemed harmless, and I really didn’t expect much to come of it.
I was wrong. I chose poorly.
Only the most awesome movie monster ever and I cannot wait for the new movie!
In 2013, I re-watched and reviewed every Godzilla movie and it was really cool that my ex shared that with me. He also gave me some fabulous action figures that I adore. It will be hard to not be able to talk to him when the new movie comes out.
There is a cruelty to my crappy breakup that I am having a difficult time getting past. I have no closure. I was not able to look in my boyfriend’s eyes, hear his words, ask my questions and properly process the ending of something special to me.
At first it just didn’t seem real. What remained real was the last conversation we had and our last day together, not these text messages.
Once reality sunk in, I felt impotent, powerless and confused due to the lack of information. I started seeking information wherever I could, letting my mind race as I tried to piece fragments into a whole. It was draining and insanity inducing.
It has been a couple days since I went full-on-psycho-ridiculous-obnoxious-creeper-ex-girlfriend-nutter and now I am filled with lots of ick.
I couldn’t take the lack of control or accept not being allowed to participate in our breakup; having no real answers was making my brain swirl at an exhausting rate. The sudden severing of a relationship that meant so much to me for so long left me unsettled and feeling lost, so I went looking.
I found a shadow, just enough information to give me a vague image of a truth. I still don’t know if what I have decided this shadow means is accurate, but it is a narrative that makes sense and one I can accept.
I have been wallowing and melancholy all day, it is hard knowing I am so easily and quickly replaced. Then I started to remember when we first met, the butterflies, the excitement when I would get a message or get to talk to him. It was so fun, so exciting. Staying up late at night I could barely function the next day, but I did not mind. Being coy, not willing to share too much, to stay at a pace that was in sync with his. I don’t want to lose those memories or dismiss anything because he lied and replaced me with a new love interest.
So my ex-boyfriend was involved with another woman while we were together and lied to me. When he dumped me by text message, he gave me little information and allowed me to make an assumption about the reason that had nothing to do with this new person. I knew there had to be more to the story but it took me a while to put the pieces together.