An aside: When I began writing about My Crappy Breakup and Operation Suck Less in 2014™ I was doing so for myself as a way to process and organize my thoughts. Now that people, including my ex, have read this I find myself hesitating and wanting to filter what I write. But I have decided not to do that and continue just writing for myself…typos and all; it would be pointless otherwise.
I woke up this morning before my alarm and for the first time in weeks not from an unsettling dream; I even had a morning earworm although the music selection was a bit odd. I managed to get to the pool before my allotted time so I could take advantage of the full hour. I even exceeded my goal for laps.
I am having an awesome day and I haven’t even hit happy hour with my friends yet. It has been so long since I felt this way, I want to cry, but for completely different reasons than the last 350 times I wanted to cry. Note to self: get more Kleenex.
Yesterday was a crazy roller coaster ride of thoughts and feelings, I am not sure how one person can cram so many into a single day but I did it. Go me?
I finally had contact with my ex. It was such a relief knowing I was not hated and it made me feel better having a connection with him once again. But it did send my mind and my emotions racing…of course.
Now that I had gotten what I said I wanted, I started to imagine what could be next, what kind of friendship we could possibly have; I miss my friend terribly. As I was thinking about this, I dawned on me that what I really want is my boyfriend back. This frustrated me and scared me as I thought I was past that feeling. My mind began swirling faster.
When I picked this notion apart in the harshness of my reality, what I actually want is the guy who pursued me 3.5 years ago, the guy who I fell for again and committed to last year, I want THAT boyfriend back. But THAT boyfriend is gone and was gone even before our crappy breakup. Someday I hope I am lucky enough to find a THAT boyfriend v2.0.
His life is moving forward in another direction that does not include me but even before that I felt like I was just an addendum to his life, not a priority. I wanted to be closer to him, I even wanted to move to do it, but I could not get past the nagging suspicion that I was not important enough to him to justify making that leap. Turns out I was right and luckily I am not stuck in burbsville with no one I know going through what I am now.
So what kind of connection can we have now, I keep wondering. I immediately jumped in saying I wanted to be friends in our short email exchange. I am not sure that is what he wants though. Have I ever really known what he wants? He indicated he would write more later, but never did. So I will have to wait and see what he says, if he says anything.
Can he really be my friend, the girl he tossed aside? Can he even entertain that while he is in that shiny new love state, getting engrossed in her interests and making other changes to his life? Can I be a friend with him while he is with this girl who replaced me? Can I stop my mind from repeating the same questions?
When I think about what kind of connection we can have, my mind paints pictures that are in the future. I know these are in the future, cuz I look good and successfully sucked less in 2014. I picture he and I, two people that know each other well and are really comfortable with each other, sitting in a restaurant having dinner, talking, laughing, and catching up on our lives. I see us video chatting and comparing crazy cat stories and him telling me about his kids and their accomplishments. I see us laughing at the things we mutually find a bit ridiculous in the world. It is similar to what we had, yet in my mind it feels completely different without all the fretting about love stuff.
How we get from where we are now to that future point I am not sure, nor am I sure he even wants what I want. I wish we could talk in person, have all those conversations we should have had when I was there last. If he wanted, I would hop on a plane and do just that.
I don’t know the best way to move forward but at least now I am a participant. I could not participate in our breakup, but I can be an equal partner in what comes of it. I have my power back and it feels amazing.
Granted, I always had my power even if it felt a bit muted. I could control my actions and reactions to the situation, I didn’t always do it gracefully, but I did it. Now I have the power to shape what happens.
I also have some clarity. I could never reconcile this strong connection we had with his erasing me from his life. It did not compute and it left me questioning everything. After our emails, I was able to regain my bearings and know, at least for the friendship parts, I was not completely wrong.
After swirling about this all day and finally coming to realize what I want and that I can help shape getting there, I exhaled. A deep exhale. It may have been partly due to that silly yoga class I was in but not particularly “being present” in, but it was a cleansing exhale and I felt some peace.
I sent him an email sharing a bit of my thoughts, cuz why wouldn’t I want to send him an email to tell him I will wait for him to tell me more instead of doing just that..ugh. Now, I have to be patient, not my strongest attribute, and he has to be honest and willing, not always his best attributes either, and we will see where things go.
I slept well, I enjoyed some music, I swam, I put some words together and overall it is a good day.