My Crappy Break Up Is 4½ Months Old

It has been 4½ months since my crappy text break up. It feels like just yesterday. It feels like an eternity. It was just the right amount of time for his new chick face to sell her stuff and move part way across the country to live with him.

I knew it was coming but that didn’t stop the post in my Facebook stream from feeling like a jolt. Just another reminder, an inconsiderate one, how quickly and completely one can be erased and replaced.

It is a weird feeling being sad about something you no longer want or maybe never actually wanted at all; it is an incomplete emotion but luckily fleeting. She has what I wanted to want but not what I want.

There are things I still miss about him but I don’t miss being lied to and all the nonsense. Change happens at different speeds for different people and I just move a bit slower I guess. I hope he finds the happiness he is looking for…mostly hope…like 95 – 97%.

Cranky, Tired, Sore

This morning I woke up cranky, sleepy, sore, craving hashbrowns and with a meh Stevie Wonder song stuck in my head; my dreams were so annoying I couldn’t wait to stop dealing with them.

A year ago today I got back together for the last time with my ex-boyfriend and the fact that I am aware of this date and feeling a bit sad just irritates me. Actually, the whole getting back together thing is what annoys me and I wonder why we ever did.

I have regrets. Knowing where our relationship went, or didn’t, makes the whole exercise feel like a waste of time and energy that could have gone elsewhere; it seems to have served the sole purpose of biding time until he could meet new chick face and move on. Well, I guess we did watch every Godzilla movie so there was that, but now I associate Godzilla with him too so that just rankles me.

Having regrets is stupid and pointless and aggravating and more pointless and even though I feel that way at times, I mostly don’t. I guess. I’d have to go all the way back to never meeting him anyway which I don’t want. Pointless.

It just irks me that I still have moments where I miss him. It is tiresome. I am running out of new words for annoying, which is galling, exasperating and chaps my ass as they used to say.

We text but don’t have real conversations and maybe someday I will get used to that and some of his vexing etiquette, or at least not get pissed off or bent out of shape or miffed. Did I use miffed already?

I tried to walk off my morning crabbiness but it didn’t completely work although it did take care of my sleepiness. I managed to eat some hashbrowns, which satisfied my craving and eventually that Stevie Wonder song went away until I just typed this and it is back and that really gets my goat.

I guess today was I was just meant to be in a mood and, after all these years, that I can’t control my mood is really what angers, annoys, exasperates, galls and ticks me off the most.

The Truth Is I Was The Transition Girl

Today is the anniversary of my fist break up with my ex-boyfriend; I remember the day since it coincides with other days of note. Our first break was not fun but it was easier since I was ready for it, we had an actual adult conversation, it was about his inabilities to deal and I suppose because I was entangled elsewhere not too long after. None of those things are true this time.

I have had bouts of sadness this week and have been trying to figure out what is behind these feelings. It has been 2 months since our text break up which, depending on the day, feels like an eternity or just yesterday, but it has only been a few weeks since we talked and I heard his truth. In some ways I had to start processing the breakup all over again, blending his truth with mine.

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Reconnecting With My Ex- Boyfriend

Yesterday my ex-boyfriend and I FINALLY talked, 7 weeks after he dropped me off at the airport and would soon break up with me by text; It was weird at first, as it felt like nothing had changed and no time had passed, while also feeling like it had been an eternity and I didn’t even know this man anymore.

Earlier in the day he added me back on social media, I hesitated for the slightest moment to accept since we had not actually spoken, but, true to my nature, I clicked yes and then perused the digital remnants of his last weeks; it was more difficult than I expected.

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I Have Anger Issues

My ex-boyfriend and I were finally able to exchange emails and he finally shared more information about our crappy breakup. Finally! Of course it was after I had to wait in dread for a couple days feeling like I could puke any second. Ugh.

It was simultaneously easy to read and hard but it was nearly exactly what I expected. I went through a lot of emotions as I basically re-lived our breakup, but the one I am having issues with is anger.

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Riding The Thought Roller Coaster

An aside: When I began writing about My Crappy Breakup and Operation Suck Less in 2014™ I was doing so for myself as a way to process and organize my thoughts. Now that people, including my ex, have read this I find myself hesitating and wanting to filter what I write. But I have decided not to do that and continue just writing for myself…typos and all; it would be pointless otherwise.

I woke up this morning before my alarm and for the first time in weeks not from an unsettling dream; I even had a morning earworm although the music selection was a bit odd. I managed to get to the pool before my allotted time so I could take advantage of the full hour. I even exceeded my goal for laps.

I am having an awesome day and I haven’t even hit happy hour with my friends yet. It has been so long since I felt this way, I want to cry, but for completely different reasons than the last 350 times I wanted to cry. Note to self: get more Kleenex.

Yesterday was a crazy roller coaster ride of thoughts and feelings, I am not sure how one person can cram so many into a single day but I did it. Go me?

I finally had contact with my ex. It was such a relief knowing I was not hated and it made me feel better having a connection with him once again. But it did send my mind and my emotions racing…of course.

Now that I had gotten what I said I wanted, I started to imagine what could be next, what kind of friendship we could possibly have; I miss my friend terribly. As I was thinking about this, I dawned on me that what I really want is my boyfriend back. This frustrated me and scared me as I thought I was past that feeling. My mind began swirling faster.

When I picked this notion apart in the harshness of my reality, what I actually want is the guy who pursued me 3.5 years ago, the guy who I fell for again and committed to last year, I want THAT boyfriend back. But THAT boyfriend is gone and was gone even before our crappy breakup. Someday I hope I am lucky enough to find a THAT boyfriend v2.0.

His life is moving forward in another direction that does not include me but even before that I felt like I was just an addendum to his life, not a priority. I wanted to be closer to him, I even wanted to move to do it, but I could not get past the nagging suspicion that I was not important enough to him to justify making that leap. Turns out I was right and luckily I am not stuck in burbsville with no one I know going through what I am now.

So what kind of connection can we have now, I keep wondering. I immediately jumped in saying I wanted to be friends in our short email exchange. I am not sure that is what he wants though. Have I ever really known what he wants?  He indicated he would write more later, but never did. So I will have to wait and see what he says, if he says anything.

Can he really be my friend, the girl he tossed aside? Can he even entertain that while he is in that shiny new love state, getting engrossed in her interests and making other changes to his life? Can I be a friend with him while he is with this girl who replaced me? Can I stop my mind from repeating the same questions?

When I think about what kind of connection we can have, my mind paints pictures that are in the future. I know these are in the future, cuz I look good and successfully sucked less in 2014. I picture he and I, two people that know each other well and are really comfortable with each other, sitting in a restaurant having dinner, talking, laughing, and catching up on our lives. I see us video chatting and comparing crazy cat stories and him telling me about his kids and their accomplishments. I see us laughing at the things we mutually find a bit ridiculous in the world. It is similar to what we had, yet in my mind it feels completely different without all the fretting about love stuff.

How we get from where we are now to that future point I am not sure, nor am I sure he even wants what I want. I wish we could talk in person, have all those conversations we should have had when I was there last. If he wanted, I would hop on a plane and do just that.

I don’t know the best way to move forward but at least now I am a participant. I could not participate in our breakup, but I can be an equal partner in what comes of it. I have my power back and it feels amazing.

Granted, I always had my power even if it felt a bit muted. I could control my actions and reactions to the situation, I didn’t always do it gracefully, but I did it. Now I have the power to shape what happens.

I also have some clarity. I could never reconcile this strong connection we had with his erasing me from his life. It did not compute and it left me questioning everything. After our emails, I was able to regain my bearings and know, at least for the friendship parts, I was not completely wrong.

After swirling about this all day and finally coming to realize what I want and that I can help shape getting there, I exhaled. A deep exhale. It may have been partly due to that silly yoga class I was in but not particularly “being present” in, but it was a cleansing exhale and I felt some peace.

I sent him an email sharing a bit of my thoughts, cuz why wouldn’t I want to send him an email to tell him I will wait for him to tell me more instead of doing just that..ugh. Now, I have to be patient, not my strongest attribute, and he has to be honest and willing, not always his best attributes either, and we will see where things go.

I slept well, I enjoyed some music, I swam, I put some words together and overall it is a good day.

The Universe Is A Crazy MoFo

So after writing a lengthy email to my ex, swirling about sending it or not at a dizzying pace, the craziest and most unexpected thing happened, he reached out to me.

I was pacing in the hallway working to hit my daily steps goal as measured by my trusty fitbit, when I heard an alert I had not heard in weeks; I had an email message from him. I stopped so suddenly I think I threw out my back and immediately read it. It was nice, it told me some of what I needed to hear and it lifted the black hole of dread that has been hanging on my shoulders for weeks. It doesn’t make up for all the bad behavior but it made me feel better.

Unexpectedly, he found out about this blog and read it. I had not planned to make this public when I first set about to process all my crappy feelings so what I wrote was not filtered. Well, there were those fairly creative revenge fantasies I chose to keep to myself just in case I decided to implement one; I watch “Law and Order” I know only idiots leave a digital trail of their crimes.

I have mixed feelings about him reading these thoughts but maybe it is a good thing. It could not have been easy for him to take in the words but still reading about the results of his crappy behavior is probably easier than actually facing it as it occurred.

What comes of this now, I have no idea. It would be nice if we could build some kind of a friendship but I got what I wanted at this point; I have a connection and I know he does not hate me.

It occurs to me my blog now has magical powers. Maybe if I try posting something else I hope to happen, it will come true as well. Here it goes

I want a time machine so I can go back and hang with some dinosaurs
I want to finally master the force
I want a pet shark or a dragon or a sharkdragon
I want a separate planet where I can send everyone that bugs me and where it is always humid and hot and there are no natural fibers or creams to relieve rashes
I want a smaller butt without putting in any effort to get it
I want calorie free chocolate cake that is full of protein and all those good things we supposedly get from veggies
I want to Suck Less in 2014™

I will be satisfied if I only get the last one but I am trying to think big. C’mon Universe!

To Contact or Not to Contact, That Is The Question

I have a strong urge to do something I would absolutely tell anyone else not to do: emailing my ex.

The committee in my brain cannot reach a consensus as to the appropriateness of this action. Each voice is making a strong case for doing it, not doing it, or going shopping, which is really off topic.

Pros: I want to have a connection of some kind, I want him to know I forgive him, I want to apologize for a few things I did.
Cons: He wants you erased from his life and it is called breaking up for a reason, he doesn’t care about your forgiveness or silly apologies.
Shopping: You need stuff.

My gut is saying go for it reminding me I tend to regret what I do not do or say much more than what I actually do or say. My gut is all DO IT! My gut is loud and obnoxious.

My heart is unsure and abstained from the voting or providing any input.

I want him to acknowledge he received it and tell me he doesn’t hate me and that someday we can try that friendship stuff. I need to be okay with getting no reply at all or getting one that tells me to f**k off. Not sure I can be ready for that one though.

I have written the email, reread it too many times and I guess now I will just ponder.

I am so stinking jealous of normal humans that can just move forward without all this swirling nonsense. They are probably the same people that can glide across the ice without falling on their butts. Hate em.

 

A friend posted this on Google+  Seemed appropriate.
A friend posted this on Google+ Seemed appropriate.

Forgiveness and Letting Go

It has been 5 week since my crappy breakup, in some ways it seems like an eternity, in others like it was yesterday.

I know I am not whole yet. I feel like I gave him a piece of me that he just threw away; I am hoping I have some latent amphibian DNA that will re-grow what I am missing. Existing when not feeling whole is a bit like going through the motions and not particularly joyous. Blah. But each day is a little better and at times I even forget.

I will feel whole again but it will take time and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster. I wish I could, but I have found the more I try to control how I feel, the crazier it makes me feel. More than likely, it will happen so slowly I won’t even notice when it does.

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Now I Get It, Multiverses.

My sudden and harsh breakup left me quite confused as I tried to piece together all of these contradictory bits of data into one complete theory that made sense. My brain would swirl and when I thought I had it all solved, I would remember something else that blew it all up thereby invalidating my hypothesis. Frustrating.

But now I understand, my breakup and my ex-boyfriend are scientific proof that multiverses exist.

Granted, my tiny brain is only capable of understanding the theory of multiverses on a conceptual level but that is perfect since it turns out I only understood my ex in theory as well.

So I get it. All of these conflicting truths are actually true at the same time. They exist in imperceptibly different universes simultaneously. Woah.

He loved me. He wasn’t in love with me. He was happy with me. He pursued another. He lied. He cheated. He didn’t want to hurt me. We are great friends. He wants me out of his life. All true. All at the same time.

And this simultaneous existence bent the laws of physics enough that it actually prevented me from seeing the truth. But each universe has its own truth so I guess I did see A truth just not the one existing in the universe I currently reside.

It makes so much sense now. Why the hell did I drop that advance physics class? Oh right, it was too early.

My hope now is to somehow escape my perceived universe to the space in between, the higher dimension, and enjoy a different view and the peace of the nothingness. Science, yo.