Forgiveness and Letting Go

It has been 5 week since my crappy breakup, in some ways it seems like an eternity, in others like it was yesterday.

I know I am not whole yet. I feel like I gave him a piece of me that he just threw away; I am hoping I have some latent amphibian DNA that will re-grow what I am missing. Existing when not feeling whole is a bit like going through the motions and not particularly joyous. Blah. But each day is a little better and at times I even forget.

I will feel whole again but it will take time and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster. I wish I could, but I have found the more I try to control how I feel, the crazier it makes me feel. More than likely, it will happen so slowly I won’t even notice when it does.

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I Chose Poorly And Found A Nutter

Ugh. Shortly after my breakup, an old acquaintance contacted me offering support and an ear. She was not someone I was particularly close to and someone I had always been tentative with as she could be unpredictable but I was on a kick to reconnect with old friends and could use an extra pair of ears.

We hung out briefly, the evening seemed harmless, and I really didn’t expect much to come of it.

I was wrong. I chose poorly.

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Post-Insanity Hangover

It has been a couple days since I went full-on-psycho-ridiculous-obnoxious-creeper-ex-girlfriend-nutter and now I am filled with lots of ick.

I couldn’t take the lack of control or accept not being allowed to participate in our breakup; having no real answers was making my brain swirl at an exhausting rate. The sudden severing of a relationship that meant so much to me for so long left me unsettled and feeling lost, so I went looking.

I found a shadow, just enough information to give me a vague image of a truth. I still don’t know if what I have decided this shadow means is accurate, but it is a narrative that makes sense and one I can accept.

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A Graceful Exit Ruined, @#$%!!

I often clear my thoughts by writing them down. Post-it notes, journals and even emails I never send. My email draft folder is full of random thoughts and half completed messages. Many of them to my ex. None of which I intended to send. Some of which had his email address in the “To” field.

It was super late last night and I was cleaning out this folder, reading some of my past thoughts and reminding myself that the same issues kept cropping up when I did the most horrifying thing…I hit “Send” and not “Discard.”

I stared at my laptop, stunned. I swore a bunch. I sent a text to my friend so he could laugh at me and try to make it better. More swearing.

Looking at the email, the first part could be confused as being a rehash of other things I have said and then it devolved into a jumbled mess of thoughts. I imagined him thinking I was drunk or had popped a bolt in my brain and was harassing him by email. Argh! So I sent him ANOTHER email saying it was an accident, please disregard, sorry, blah blah blah.

And with that my graceful exit from my crappy breakup was ruined.

FU fat fingers. FU stupid brain. And a second FU to the part of my brain that keeps wondering if this was my subconscious at work somehow.

Today I am exhausted, embarrassed and feel like I am a lame sitcom chick lacking a laugh track and a cute roommate to make me feel better in some unrealistic way.

The Universe Was Warning Me

Before my last visit to see him, I hurt me knee. I already felt gross, cold, sick of winter and now my knee hurt. Great. I really was not in the mood to travel but I also wanted to see him.

Things had felt off for a while, he was busy working more and more, had started to talk less, email less and just seemed distracted. I asked repeatedly if he wanted me to come and he did. I asked repeatedly if things were okay with us and he assured me all was well. I assumed when we were together we would get in sync again.

But the Universe tried to tell me that was not going to be the case.

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My Breakup Culpability

As all relationships are a two-way street, I need to examine my part in our demise. I am trying to not beat myself up or wallow in the negative, but if I am to learn from this, I need to have an accurate picture of the situation. I am also trying to be careful to not excuse his behavior or take responsibility for his actions, as I sometimes feel more comfortable doing so.

I was ignoring my needs. There were things I wanted from our relationship, from any relationship, that were not being fulfilled. I tried to talk to him, to find ways to get what I needed but I was not successful. Over time, I pushed those things aside thinking that was the right thing to do, but upon reflection, it was just the easy thing to do and it put a barrier between us I did not acknowledge.

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