Forgiveness and Letting Go

It has been 5 week since my crappy breakup, in some ways it seems like an eternity, in others like it was yesterday.

I know I am not whole yet. I feel like I gave him a piece of me that he just threw away; I am hoping I have some latent amphibian DNA that will re-grow what I am missing. Existing when not feeling whole is a bit like going through the motions and not particularly joyous. Blah. But each day is a little better and at times I even forget.

I will feel whole again but it will take time and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster. I wish I could, but I have found the more I try to control how I feel, the crazier it makes me feel. More than likely, it will happen so slowly I won’t even notice when it does.

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It’s Was Me. It’s Was Him. It’s Was Us.

As happens too often, I woke up this morning with a clear realization: I was the reason for our breakup. It wasn’t because he did not want anything long-distance, or that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now, or any of the other reasons I wish could be the case. He did not want a relationship with me, specifically me, so much so he barely remembered to tell me before he moved on.

This thought just smacked me across the face. It took me a while to acknowledge it, but here it is, it is all about me. For once maybe my narcissism is valid.

I let it sink in, I walked for a bit to get the blood flowing so my brain had the proper nourishment for swirling and when I was done I determined it sucks, but it’s fine. It has to be. I can’t change the situation. I am not going to change who I am and wouldn’t if I actually could.

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Why Do I Want To Be Friends With My Ex?

As much as I hate losing my boyfriend, I hate losing my friend. It is really hard to not have him in my life. It is the little things, the day-to-day rituals that seem to be the hardest to let go. Things pop in my mind and I want to tell him or send him a note, but I can’t. He is gone.

I know it would not be healthy to try to be friends right now while I am still reeling from the sudden break, but to never talk to him again makes me so sad. Also, we have tried to be friends before but that didn’t work very well due to a lack of honesty on his part and lingering feelings on mine. But still, how can he no longer be in my life? Hardy seems fair or right.

I remind myself that we do not know what the future holds. Maybe some day, when the time is right, we will connect again. Maybe in time I will no longer desire his friendships. Maybe I will finally master The Force. Who knows? But I have to stop worrying about NEVER and just focus on now.

I Miss Him and I Miss Our Rituals

I miss him and I miss our rituals. Tuesday night we always watched the reality show, Face Off. It was one of our “things.” Do I watch it alone? Do I give up the show? How long will it be before these old habits are broken?

I watched it, or I should say it was on in the background while my thoughts drifted. I already forgot who won.

But It Was Only…

“But it was only a long-distance relationship.”

“But you weren’t really together that long.”

“But you had doubts.”

“It could be worse.”

I hear myself, and a couple friends, say these things as if there is some qualifier on a relationship to justify feeling like crap when it is over. I am not exactly sure why my brain keeps trying to dismiss my feelings or force a rationalization on something that is in no way rational, but I would be happy if my brain would just shut up. All of these are true BUT I am still sad and I am still grieving a loss and it will take time to feel right again.

I hope my better future self does not try to qualify my inevitable future pain or the pain of others but just offers understanding and an ear.