As happens too often, I woke up this morning with a clear realization: I was the reason for our breakup. It wasn’t because he did not want anything long-distance, or that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now, or any of the other reasons I wish could be the case. He did not want a relationship with me, specifically me, so much so he barely remembered to tell me before he moved on.
This thought just smacked me across the face. It took me a while to acknowledge it, but here it is, it is all about me. For once maybe my narcissism is valid.
I let it sink in, I walked for a bit to get the blood flowing so my brain had the proper nourishment for swirling and when I was done I determined it sucks, but it’s fine. It has to be. I can’t change the situation. I am not going to change who I am and wouldn’t if I actually could.
I haven’t been the best version of myself for a while, so in many respects I was not the person he fell in love with. Some days, if I could breakup with myself I totally would!
I have been feeling down on myself for a while but I am not looking to beat myself up, just move forward in a positive way. So too I am not looking to take blame for my breakup as much as acknowledge the reality of the situation, that I was not making him happy, and move forward in a positive way.
At times I find it easier to focus on my perception of his issues, to use my self-taught-but-awesome-in-my-own-mind psychological diagnosis abilities to determine what is wrong with him and how no matter what I would have done our relationship was destined to fail. Because of him, not me. Oh, he fits this label, he fits that one. He is an awful communicator. He doesn’t know what he wants. He isn’t honest with himself so can’t be with others. He isn’t a happy person. Blah. Blah. Blah.
But that seems like a trap to just fool myself into feeling better.
I can only know what is in his mind to a point, I am still not sure I even know what he wanted from us. Anything that I think I know is really through the filter of my experiences with no input from him so it is not much better than an informed guess. And if I could talk to him, I would probably just get an “I don’t know” reply anyway.
So back to me. Me. Me. Me. I wasn’t right for him but more accurately we were just not right for each other. I was not getting my needs fulfilled and without even realizing it I think I pulled away; my actions showed what my brain and definitely my heart where not acknowledging. I am not sure if I was happy but I was content enough to not wonder too much let alone take any action.
Looking back now, of course I can see the cracks, remember the times I felt frustrated or that he was not being a considerate boyfriend. The last month things were off, my last visit was not great but I was so distracted by my own discomfort I wasn’t seeing the obvious. What I could not see then, I can see more clearly now.
I don’t really feel like I am better off without him yet. I know it is better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t love you and can lie so willingly but I think I am still too sad to really feel anything let alone believe that. I will get there, eventually.
I would love to think he is losing out by not being with me but how would I know, and I am not sure I would want that to be the case anyway. So we didn’t work. We were not right for each other. While there are instances when I hope things crash and burn for him (I am only human I guess), at my best moments, which are more and more frequent, I still want him to be happy and to find someone to share that happiness.
Every relationship is different; each person brings out different aspects of another so maybe this new chick is just what he needs and was looking for all along. I would rather have that be the case for him than just repeating the same behavior. His unhappiness would in no way alleviate my current pain so that benefits no one.
It was me. It was him. It was us. It sucks. It will get better. I just wish it would hurry up.