My primary skill in life is taking a tumble for no apparent reason. Anyone can slip going down icy hills or trip over misplaced toys on stairs, but I fall on perfectly flat ground with merely microscopic imperfections. Of course, the best falls occur surrounded by strangers; you get a skinned knee and a new story, they get a good laugh, it’s a classic win-win. So everybody won the day my face decided to get an up close and personal view of the pavement at Rockefeller Center in New York.
The secret to a spectacular pavement splat is having exactly zero core engagement. If my abs are firing, even slightly, I might do a wild interpretive dance and pull a muscle or two but I can still manage to stay upright.
I have cultivated a mushy core over the years with the assist of various couches and televisions, but just being out of shape is not enough. I find to get absolute zero core value it is essential to be tired and distracted. Exhaustion assures any dormant muscle fibers lack the will to try to fire and being distracted prevents the brain from attempting any counter measures by remaining unaware of the eminent body blow.
How I react to every story about a celebrity opinion:
– Read headline while thinking “what NOW?”
– Scan story to get the gist, I don’t have time to read
– If celebrity agrees with my already formed opinion think, “Wow, such a genius. Preach!”
– If celebrity disagrees with my already informed opinion think, “OMG shut up! Who asked you?”
– If celebrity is Matthew McConaughey make fake barfing sound regardless of opinion
How to make a giant, clumsy kitty happy:
– Order bubble wrap
– Haul ridiculously large box from mailbox
– Remove bubble wrap and the tons of kraft paper used to keep the bubbles safe in the ridiculously large box
– Cut hole in box 1 inch smaller than giant cats hips
– Return kraft paper to box
– Set in corner
– Pretend you don’t want cat to go in box
– Watch cat spend days keeping watch from his forbidden cave
Sees famous woman with obvious new plastic surgery:
Internal voice 1: Eww, wth did she do to her face?!! Does she think we don’t notice? Why??
Internal voice 2: Why? because we live in a society the values youth over everything and women are under constant pressure to look young.
Internal voice 1: So what. She still looks weird.
Internal voice 2: She looks like a woman responding to societal pressures.
Internal voice 3: Hello, we are a feminist and we can not abide by judging any woman for her choices with her own body no matter how weird, ummm enhanced, she looks. No judgement!
Internal voice 1: Totally judging. Women need to stop.
Internal voice 2: Totally judging society. Society needs to change.
Internal voice 3: Sigh. Totally judging us for judging. We need to not notice.
All internal voices: Hahahahha. That’ll never happen.
Looking out the window to see what the storm left us and there is a giant swastika etched in the snow on a car. Ugh! I went outside to look around and found a crude snow drawing of 2 humans, I assume human, fornicating. One appeared to be a male with disproportionate genitalia usually reserved for wooden fertility gods and the other gender neutral. A thoughtful attempt to be inclusive? The 3 words scrawled next to the masterpiece, “F*** me PLZ,” told me a lot about the artist.
First, they are polite and their mother would be so proud. Second, they know what they want which is the first step toward success. Finally, sadly, they are frustrated and confused not sure how to get what they desire on a Friday night after last call.
I could pity them until the swastika is considered. Crude sex drawings and profanity on cars for many is an adolescent right of passage, even for the sad and lonely over 21 who can’t get any; I shrug them off and laugh. However, we can’t shrug and let symbols of such hate and violence become just as normal as a dick doodle. So, horny hater, in words you seem to understand, PLZ, f*** you.
VPE Mike Pence attends last night’s performance of Hamilton:
-Pence was greeted with boos and cheers when he entered
-The crowd applauded extra loud at a few key phrases supporting freedom and immigrants
-The actor who spoke at the end, a norm for the musical, was polite and respectful and his words in tune with the musical not to mention the constitution
-Twitter mocks Pence
-Trump mischaracterizes it all on Twitter using the term “safe space” non-ironically
-Uninformed people, Newts, and those with something to do on Friday night other than read tweets, believe the President-elect and flip out
-I go slightly more insane, muttering about the Trump’s non-relationship with the truth and his bypassing of the press
-Energy is wasted by millions of every political affiliation to justify their different view but actually same position on freedom of speech
It is another gorgeous fall day, almost as if the sky is indifferent to my mood, so I decided to go for a walk and let the voices in my head wander free. Just as we had all agreed to strive to be non-hypocritical and a positive in this world, I got bit by a dog.
A little yappy dog on a slack leash with a distracted owner ran right up to me and chomped on my shin. The owner seemed genuinely surprised and said, “he doesn’t usually do that.” I had so much I wanted and could have said to her as I checked out the small, bleeding wound, but I just went with, “I understand,” smiled and walked away.
It felt good to be kind and empathetic and not add to the negativity in the world. I need to continue to do this more.
But, if I am being honest, I’m kind of being a smug, superior asshole now too so I guess it is just evens out. This positivity thing is tough to master.