It has been 5 week since my crappy breakup, in some ways it seems like an eternity, in others like it was yesterday.
I know I am not whole yet. I feel like I gave him a piece of me that he just threw away; I am hoping I have some latent amphibian DNA that will re-grow what I am missing. Existing when not feeling whole is a bit like going through the motions and not particularly joyous. Blah. But each day is a little better and at times I even forget.
I will feel whole again but it will take time and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster. I wish I could, but I have found the more I try to control how I feel, the crazier it makes me feel. More than likely, it will happen so slowly I won’t even notice when it does.
I have hit the point where I have things fairly settled in my mind, as much as I am able to given the circumstances. I know I will think about him when I hear a song we both love, when the new Godzilla movie comes out, and randomly for no particular reason and I will be sad but fine, even enjoying the memories.
I still wish we could have some connection, not best friends any more, but friends of some sort. I am not sure if he believes he is sparing my feelings by cutting me off or if it is just to make his life easier, either way it hurts me. It feels as though I have done something wrong or that he hates me for some reason and that nags at me. I also wonder if he is doing this because he pities me on some level and that makes me mad.
I hate being completely cut off from someone that meant so much for so long; I hate not hearing about his kids whom I had grown so fond of over the years. Despite the pain at the end, I feel better off for having had our relationship. I can only hope some day he will think of me and reach out.
True to my nature, I find it much easier to forgive him than forgive myself. I wish I could have handled the breakup with perfect grace and not gone temporarily bat shit. I wish I could have connected the dots and not been so completely caught off guard by the lies. I wish I had talked to him when I had concerns. Most of all, I wish I would not have settled and consciously or unconsciously ignored some of my needs.
Forgiving myself will also take time, I still believe I should be perfect and when I am not it infuriates me. But I am working on that as part of my campaign to Suck Less In 2014™.
This breakup might be easier if I was not simultaneously trying to climb out of a rut but I am good at multitasking so I guess doing both at once is fine.
He did not take care of my heart, and I was not taking care of my soul. I cannot change what happened but now I want to learn from this and focus on what lies ahead and shaping my better future self.