Sees famous woman with obvious new plastic surgery:
Internal voice 1: Eww, wth did she do to her face?!! Does she think we don’t notice? Why??
Internal voice 2: Why? because we live in a society the values youth over everything and women are under constant pressure to look young.
Internal voice 1: So what. She still looks weird.
Internal voice 2: She looks like a woman responding to societal pressures.
Internal voice 3: Hello, we are a feminist and we can not abide by judging any woman for her choices with her own body no matter how weird, ummm enhanced, she looks. No judgement!
Internal voice 1: Totally judging. Women need to stop.
Internal voice 2: Totally judging society. Society needs to change.
Internal voice 3: Sigh. Totally judging us for judging. We need to not notice.
All internal voices: Hahahahha. That’ll never happen.
FluShotLady: I’m gonna have you hop on the table.
Inside Voice 1: Hop? Hahahahahaha
FSL: Don’t worry. It is nothing. It is just easier for me when you are on the table at my eye height. Nothing you need to worry about.
Inside Voice 1: Um…wasn’t worried.
FSL: After the shot, you need to move your arm in circles like a fast pitcher and then go home, eat something to really coat your stomach like yogurt and take some Advil….
Me: Wait. What? How bad is this going to hurt?
Inside Voice 2: Maybe we should be worried.
FSL: Some people say it doesn’t hurt but I can’t even sleep on my side for days. Really, really sore. Now which side?
Inside Voice 1: Eh. It’s fine.
Inside Voice 2: Run away….run away….
FSL: But just move your arm, get the medicine moving around and take Advil. Make sure you eat so you don’t get sick. You don’t want to throw that up. Are you allergic to Advil? Do you have any issues with it? Take something else if you do. If it does hurt it will only last a few days. A week at the most. Probably not a week if you move your arm in circles. Really get that medicine to move. Even if it does hurt it is better than the flu. But we don’t know how bad the flu season will be….Advil. Advil. Advil. Move. Move. Move. (edited for brevity)
Inside Voice 2: Holy crap our arm is going to fall off!
FSL: Okay done. Good luck.
Pilates Instructor: Good. 8 more. 7….
Me: Okay. ::Feels sweat rolling down forehead::
Inner Voice 1: Ewwww. Gross. Sweat!
Inner Voice 2: Ugh. Sweat.
Inner Voice 3: Sweat is good, it means we are working hard.
Inner Voice 4: Hahahaha. No, it means it is really humid. Eww.
Brain: WARNING WARNING SWEAT HEADING TOWARD EYEBALL. ABANDON EXERCISE SWEAT HEADING TOWARD EYEBALL
All Inner Voices: Ewwwwwww.
Pilates Instructor: ….and done. Good job, working up a little sweat there too.
Me: Oh? I hardly noticed.
Swim Instructor: How has practice been going?
Inner Voice #1: LIE! She does not need to know you have been slacking.
Inner Voice #2: You are an adult. Just tell her you didn’t practice. It is not like she can ground you.
Inner Voice #3: Don’t lie, just SPIN it!.
Me: With the nice weather, I thought I would take the opportunity to cross-train and power walk.
Swim Instructor: That’s smart. ::Blah, blah, blah, other stuff I didn’t hear after she said smart.::
Inner Voice #3: Spin for the win!
Inner Voice #1: Nothing you do can be called “power walking,” I’d say the lies win!
Inner Voice #2: I retract the “adult.”
Pilates Instructor: I consider you mostly normal now.
Inside Voice #1: Normal?!? WTF?!?
Inside Voice #2: Mostly?!? WTF ?!?
Me: I think that is a compliment, so thanks.
Dude in Whirlpool: So, how do you like that snorkel?
Inside Voice #1: Ugh. People. Initiating disinterested blank stare in 3…2…1…
Inside Voice #2: Oh, be nice for once!
Me: I love it, it helps me focus more on my form and less on breathing.
Dude in Whirlpool: I should get one too! Do they come in other colors? Was it hard to get used to? My doctor tells me I need to swim more. I used to run, I have a few injuries. Maybe I should take lessons. Where did you buy it? Neck…sore….injury… old…doctor….blah… blah….blah…
Inside Voice #1: I told you so.
Inside Voice #2: Sorry, my bad.
Inside Voice #3: Time to make a grocery list and crank up the brain jukebox. Chicken, veggies, no sugar, no sugar, no sugar, lalalalala
Swim Instructor: How has practice been going?
Me: Fine. I think. You tell me.
Swim Instructor: Well, today I am going to film you and we can decide together.
Inside Voice 1: Da f**k you will!!!
Inside Voice 2: Positive body thoughts. Positive body thoughts. lalala
Me: Okay. If you think it will help.
::It didn’t help. My eyes hurt.::
Swim Instructor: Omg,look at that a bruise on your shoulder! How did that happen?
::looks down, sees giant bruise for the first time::
Me: No idea.
Swim Instructor: You don’t seem concerned. I’d be freaking out.
Me: Meh. I have reached the age where I can’t worry about all the random bruises. I have to save my investigatory powers for remembering the word I was going to say or why I entered a room.
Lady in Whirlpool: Are you in Psychiatry? (after telling me the detailed history of her left knee)
Lady in Whirlpool: Wow, you seem so calm.
Me: Hmm. (inner voice A: that is just my disinterest. inner voice B: ::hysterical laughter::)
Lady in Whirlpool: Blah, blah, brace, blah, doctor………..