Making A Giant Clumsy Kitty Happy

15975118_10211374548300409_2825939500359215214_oHow to make a giant, clumsy kitty happy:
– Order bubble wrap
– Haul ridiculously large box from mailbox
– Remove bubble wrap and the tons of kraft paper used to keep the bubbles safe in the ridiculously large box
– Cut hole in box 1 inch smaller than giant cats hips
– Return kraft paper to box
– Set in corner
– Pretend you don’t want cat to go in box
– Watch cat spend days keeping watch from his forbidden cave

 

Famous Women and Plastic Surgery

Sees famous woman with obvious new plastic surgery:
Internal voice 1: Eww, wth did she do to her face?!! Does she think we don’t notice? Why??
Internal voice 2: Why? because we live in a society the values youth over everything and women are under constant pressure to look young.
Internal voice 1: So what. She still looks weird.
Internal voice 2: She looks like a woman responding to societal pressures.
Internal voice 3: Hello, we are a feminist and we can not abide by judging any woman for her choices with her own body no matter how weird, ummm enhanced, she looks. No judgement!
Internal voice 1: Totally judging. Women need to stop.
Internal voice 2: Totally judging society. Society needs to change.
Internal voice 3: Sigh. Totally judging us for judging. We need to not notice.
All internal voices: Hahahahha. That’ll never happen.

What’s With All That Jello?

In the checkout line at the grocery store, I stared as a gentleman unpacked a pile of 60+ packets of jello, 4 bags of green apples, 1 packet of sage and a Luna bar while the clerk slowly changed the register tape. The amount of jello confused me. Is there a sale? Has jello salad become popular again? Does the purchaser work at a nursing home? As the clerk began scanning one packet at a time, she loudly blurted out, “what you need with all this jello?” Yes! the world wants to know. In a muffled tone the man replied sheepishly, “um, jello shots.”

Duh. Of course jello shots! What else could it be but jello shots? I felt ashamed and old for not immediately knowing the obvious. I blame the sage for the confusion. Also, the dude looked well into his 70’s so party monster was not immediately evident. I assume a party is involved and not spiking of the neighborhood kid’s treat bags.

The clerk was confused, “Jello shots, what are those?” The old man was obviously uncomfortable as people from all sides turned to hear his answer. He muttered a reply so softly, I only heard “vodka” and “Halloween party.” He looked toward me, as if he wanted me to back him up on jello shots being a thing in the Halloween party realm.

I could have his back. I have served jello shots. I even dressed as a shot one year for Halloween. I also know what those apples are for having taken a baggie of soaked apple slices to a showing of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” declaring, “what can they get me for, open apple.”
Instead, I chose not to nod in support but to continue my blank stare. The same stare I use when out in public pretending I do not recognize someone I know because I look unpresentable or just don’t feel like human interaction. I excel at this stare.

Own your truth dude! You are super old but still young enough to have a party with alcohol served in tasty slimy squares. Be proud. Don’t expect some stranger who is clearly not invited to your party to help you out if you can’t be assertive about your future debauchery.

The clerk continued to shake her head in confusion as the man hurriedly packed up his items and rushed out the door. I was left with my boring chicken and Brussels sprouts, nostalgic for parties past but hopeful that I too will need a few cases of jello packets in about 20 years and not just because it is the only thing I can digest.

Reason #17 Why I Am The Absolute Worst

Me: All people want the same thing, harmony, safety, fairness, opportunity, chocolate, we just have differing opinions on how to get to what we want. People might disagree but that doesn’t make them evil. They might support a different candidate than me but that doesn’t make them stupid, they are just prioritizing their needs differently and have their own biases, just like I have mine. Even if the candidate I do not like gets elected, we can all still work together to make the world better. No matter what, we have to support free speech and everyone’s right to vote and express themselves.

::hears person talk about election::

Me: OMG morons everywhere!! What the hell is going on? Why is everyone suddenly so stupid? I should be the only one allowed to vote. Idiots. That’s it. No one talk to me ever again about anything. I need valium and whatever they prescribe for anxiety. Maybe an island full of wine, chocolate and cute animals. Aarrgh!! &^%$#@!!!!! ….breath….breath….breath…..2 more weeks…2 more weeks…

World Series 2016

I’m going to have to stay neutral for the World Series. On one hand I have an unhealthy hatred of pretty much everything related to Cleveland, horrible logos or not, but, on the other hand, I fear a mass identity crisis befalling all Cubs fans if they actually win. A seismic shift from constant anticipointment to victory might fracture the psyche of an entire city including the bandwagoners and I don’t think we have the support systems in place to deal with the fallout. Scary.

Getting A Flu Shot

FluShotLady: I’m gonna have you hop on the table.
Inside Voice 1: Hop? Hahahahahaha
FSL: Don’t worry. It is nothing. It is just easier for me when you are on the table at my eye height. Nothing you need to worry about.
Inside Voice 1: Um…wasn’t worried.
FSL: After the shot, you need to move your arm in circles like a fast pitcher and then go home, eat something to really coat your stomach like yogurt and take some Advil….
Me: Wait. What? How bad is this going to hurt?
Inside Voice 2: Maybe we should be worried.
FSL: Some people say it doesn’t hurt but I can’t even sleep on my side for days. Really, really sore. Now which side?
Inside Voice 1: Eh. It’s fine.
Inside Voice 2: Run away….run away….
FSL: But just move your arm, get the medicine moving around and take Advil. Make sure you eat so you don’t get sick. You don’t want to throw that up. Are you allergic to Advil? Do you have any issues with it? Take something else if you do. If it does hurt it will only last a few days. A week at the most. Probably not a week if you move your arm in circles. Really get that medicine to move. Even if it does hurt it is better than the flu. But we don’t know how bad the flu season will be….Advil. Advil. Advil. Move. Move. Move. (edited for brevity)
Inside Voice 2: Holy crap our arm is going to fall off!
FSL: Okay done. Good luck.
Me: Um….thanks?

Not An Olympian

So this triple jumper changes his form due to injury to jump off his other leg and still makes the Olympics and I can’t even change which leg I use to step up a curb.

The way those synchronized swimmers scrunch their toes while pointing their feet freaks me the hell out!

My new dream job is to ride the derny in the keirin races at the Olympics. Just toodle along in a little moped while cyclists chase me around a track sounds like a blast.

 

 

 

Sweating At Pilates

Pilates Instructor: Good. 8 more. 7….
Me: Okay. ::Feels sweat rolling down forehead::
Inner Voice 1: Ewwww. Gross. Sweat!
Inner Voice 2: Ugh. Sweat.
Inner Voice 3: Sweat is good, it means we are working hard.
Inner Voice 4: Hahahaha. No, it means it is really humid. Eww.
Brain: WARNING WARNING SWEAT HEADING TOWARD EYEBALL. ABANDON EXERCISE SWEAT HEADING TOWARD EYEBALL
All Inner Voices: Ewwwwwww.
Pilates Instructor: ….and done. Good job, working up a little sweat there too.
Me: Oh? I hardly noticed.