A few days ago, my ex-boyfriend and I continued our reconnection with a marathon post-breakup talk; it was overdue but it was a fun conversation and for the most part gave me the sense of relief and comfort I was craving.
The next day, I hammered out a blog post assuming once it was completed I would be able to put the whole ordeal behind me and miraculously find bliss. As I was writing, I became more and more emotional having to stop to compose myself several times. I probably should have paused and just let my feelings settle a bit, but I had set an artificial deadline for myself and was certain once it was met, all would be fine. I should have known better, I probably did know better and was just being hopeful.
The flood of feelings took me aback and I had no idea where they were coming from. Surely, I must be all feeling-ed out by now? Feelings. I am really sick of feelings. My emotions where uncorked when my brain short-circuited during our text breakup and I cannot get the damn things back in the bottle. I want to be done. It is not that I want to be numb, I just don’t want to have the intensity any longer. I am over it. My brain is over it. My nose is over it. Where ever these feelings are coming from needs to get on board and get over it too. I am getting crabby.
It is weird how comments that get passed over in a conversation, pop up in my mind later and make me go hmmmm. And by weird of course I mean annoying.
Now that I have had a few days to let everything settle, I have a better sense of what has been getting to me and only some of it is related to my breakup. I am still mourning the loss of what I wanted our relationship to be, what it was way at the beginning and what I had hoped we could get back. I have lots of regret, valid and not so valid, over what I wish I had done the last year, which adds to my sadness. I feel really foolish because now I see it is clear the boyfriend I wanted but did not think he was capable of being, is live and well with another. I am resentful that another person has the boyfriend/life I wanted; I stuck with him through lots of ups and downs and now that he is in a good place, I have been replaced. I am sad that while we are working on our friendship, it is not the same as before and really can’t be.
Mixed in with all those annoying feelings are more annoying feelings only tangentially related. The way things ended for us brought up some latent feelings (so effing sick of feelings) that were messing me up a bit. Mostly though I am still trying to pull myself out of my rut and everything related to that including the whole getting older nonsense. It is hard to not think at my age, this might have been my last romantic connection.
I guess I just need a final dose of acceptance and a giant step out of the rut and all those annoying feelings will finally just shut up.
Originally, I thought I would be better at this friendship with an ex stuff than he would be but now I think, in reality, it is a tie. He of course is all fine and blasé but I am having adjustment issues, feeling uncertain and swirling. Blah. Stop thinking.
I asked him an innocent question about a band that he seemed to be more into now than I recall. He didn’t answer and brushed off the question, a habit of his that drives me nuts, and later it occurred to me his amplified interest is probably because of new chick face so then that weirded me out feeling like I was prying. I wanted to ask him what he thought of a movie he watched, but did not because he watched it with her and I didn’t want to jump on their thing. Blah. Stop thinking.
What questions can I ask, what should I not? I am trying not to be passive but also do not want to over step. We are friends, but where are the boundaries? What can he share with me, what will he share and what will I with him? Blah. Stop thinking.
I am not used to having our text conversations just end or his response coming hours later and that is making me hesitant to say anything. It will take me time to get used to being a friend priority and not a girlfriend priority. Or I won’t be able to at all. Blah. Stop thinking.
So at this point I want to stop feeling and stop thinking. It seems like these are achievable goals and should make me quite valuable to the world. Go me and my thoughtless, feelingless but oh so at peace future self!