Category: Dorktastic

My Cooking Process

My cooking process:
1) Identify previously bought ingredient I need to use before it goes to waste.
2) Hunt for interesting, healthy-ish recipe while eating a snack, most likely not healthy.
3) Find recipe(s) that uses a couple ingredients I have.
4) Make grocery list for the dozens of ingredients I do not have.
5) Go to store.
6) Unpack groceries.
7) Go back to store for the 1-3 items I forgot since I didn’t look closely at my list.
8) Unpack groceries. Again.
9) Rest. Eat snack I bought at grocery store on the second trip.
10) Motivate self to cook since I have now lost all interest and a delivered pizza sounds better.
11) Prepare ingredients. Snack on prepped food as I go.
12) Get distracted by anything more interesting than cooking. (repeat 11 and 12 until done)
13) Bandage cuts from distracted prep work.
14) Cook the damn thing already.
15) Eat cooked food that I now resent for wasting my whole day.
16) Get full really fast because I snacked too much.
17) Put food in fridge, congratulate self for making tomorrow’s lunch.
18) Consider pros and cons of cooking.

Slacking

Swim Instructor: How has practice been going?
Inner Voice #1: LIE! She does not need to know you have been slacking.
Inner Voice #2: You are an adult. Just tell her you didn’t practice. It is not like she can ground you.
Inner Voice #3: Don’t lie, just SPIN it!.
Me: With the nice weather, I thought I would take the opportunity to cross-train and power walk.
Swim Instructor: That’s smart. ::Blah, blah, blah, other stuff I didn’t hear after she said smart.::
Inner Voice #3: Spin for the win!
Inner Voice #1: Nothing you do can be called “power walking,” I’d say the lies win!
Inner Voice #2: I retract the “adult.”

Too Many Cherries

I have the worst stomach ache of my adult life not caused by actual disease. Because I can’t stop eating cherries when they are in front of me. Because I thought ordering a giant box from a fruit truck was a genius idea. Because I have no idea what 25 pounds of cherries looks like. Because I will be pitting these for the next 24 hours or until I explode like that dude in my 3rd favorite Monty Python movie.

Also, I need recipes for frozen cherries.
Unrelated also, Shark Week starts Sunday!! ~~~~^~~~~

Pick Up Your Feet

If you ever hear about an older lady with uncombed hair going completely batshit at people in the Uptown Cub for not picking up their feet and shuffling in their flipflops, know this:

1) There is a 99.9999% chance it will be me.
2) There is a 100% chance it will be deserved.
3) It is possible to walk in flipflops without dragging them on the ground. It is.
4) I was too tired to comb my hair, it looked FINE.
5) I know this is a completely ridiculous thing over which to have a meltdown but my annoyance goes back decades.
6) I should be praised for all the times I did not say something.
8) I hope it is filmed for your entertainment.

In The Whirlpool…

Dude in Whirlpool: So, how do you like that snorkel?
Inside Voice #1: Ugh. People. Initiating disinterested blank stare in 3…2…1…
Inside Voice #2: Oh, be nice for once!
Me: I love it, it helps me focus more on my form and less on breathing.
Dude in Whirlpool: I should get one too! Do they come in other colors? Was it hard to get used to? My doctor tells me I need to swim more. I used to run, I have a few injuries. Maybe I should take lessons. Where did you buy it? Neck…sore….injury… old…doctor….blah… blah….blah…
Inside Voice #1: I told you so.
Inside Voice #2: Sorry, my bad.
Inside Voice #3: Time to make a grocery list and crank up the brain jukebox. Chicken, veggies, no sugar, no sugar, no sugar, lalalalala

Filming Swim Lessons

Swim Instructor: How has practice been going?
Me: Fine. I think. You tell me.
Swim Instructor: Well, today I am going to film you and we can decide together.
Inside Voice 1: Da f**k you will!!!
Inside Voice 2: Positive body thoughts. Positive body thoughts. lalala
Me: Okay. If you think it will help.

::It didn’t help. My eyes hurt.::

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