If you ever hear about an older lady with uncombed hair going completely batshit at people in the Uptown Cub for not picking up their feet and shuffling in their flipflops, know this:
1) There is a 99.9999% chance it will be me.
2) There is a 100% chance it will be deserved.
3) It is possible to walk in flipflops without dragging them on the ground. It is.
4) I was too tired to comb my hair, it looked FINE.
5) I know this is a completely ridiculous thing over which to have a meltdown but my annoyance goes back decades.
6) I should be praised for all the times I did not say something.
8) I hope it is filmed for your entertainment.
At the intersection of Dupont and Lake, I push the walk button and patiently wait. Others come and we all wait, staring intently at the sign, willing it to change from the bossy red hand to the jaunty white walker indicating we are free to continue to our destination.
Another lady joins us, walks in front of the crowd and pushes the button while stepping on the tip of my exposed big toe with her thick walking shoes. I look down at her and without taking the slightest beat to let any filter be deployed say, “Soooo, I’m a moron who can’t push a button?”
She continued pushing the button as if she was a young child discovering the joys of pushing buttons for the first time with no parent around to scold them. Again and again. Over and over. “If you push it like this the light changes faster,” she proudly shares. My eyes rolled so hard I sprained the left one.
A few seconds later, as if electronically timed, the light changed. She looked up at me beaming with the joy reserved for those who can make the world bend to their wishes via excessive poking. In trying not to roll my eyes again, I sprained the right one.
“OMG! You were right,” I said in that tone I get where you need to know me well to tell if it is sarcasm or not. She skipped into the street, turning slightly suggesting, “Try it some time. It works.” I muttered, “If I do, someone punch me,” and the dude next to me let out a single, loud “HA” as we exchanged a knowing glance indicating walk sign comprehension and idiot detection.
As I continued my walk, I wondered how many more years I have before I am no longer allowed to interact with the public.
– Yay!! Human expansion into their natural habitat killed all the mountain lions so now you can save the planet by biking.
– Boo!! All the mountain lions are dead because humans suck, save the rest of the animals by biking. #teammountainlion#teamwalker
On my way to Pilates in the dark, trying to convince myself I am awake, that my yoga pants are keeping my legs warm and that my hand is healed enough for the reformer straps, I was nearly overwhelmed by the urge to scream. The people waiting for buses at the Hennepin station looked like an artistic installation. Each person/pillar was placed just far enough away from the other to allow another human to weave her way through while still respecting personal boundaries, they stared blankly in different directions, no eye contact was not made or sought. As I made my way through the maze, I just wanted to shout, “Good Morning Minneapolis!!” joyously at the top of my lungs. I chuckled imagining the horrified and stunned looks on their faces as I shook them out of their catatonia. I wanted to shout but I didn’t. It was 6:30am and I am not a nutter.
I thought I saw a giant muppet running toward me as I crossed Hennepin in Uptown. As he got closer, I realized it was just a dude in a hooded, puffy, blue coat and white goggles with a thick cheese sandwich wedged in his mouth. Shrug.
Exhausted last night from my whopping one beer, a Surly Cynic which by the way is mighty tasty, guacamole and freezing walk around Lake Calhoun, I decided to head to bed early.
I was sleeping soundly, probably snoring but as I am alone who really cares, when I was awoken by a loud crash. I had no idea what the hell was going on. Both of my cats were now on top of me and staring at the door. I remained frozen, unsure if anything had actually happened or maybe I had been dreaming…really loud dreams.
Suddenly, there was a banging on my door, three or four loud hits with something other than a fist. Then the banging continued down the hall. I still remained frozen, and was completely baffled as to why neither cat had moved. No living being in this place has any flight or fight instinct, we freeze and hope what is coming after us is a T-Rex and can’t see us unless we move.
My cats were looking at me, then turning to the door, then back at me. I was hoping one of them would go investigate and I am sure they were thinking the same of me. I started to imagine every possible scenario of what kind of beast was awaiting on the other side of what now seemed like a really thin door.
I finally moved enough to find my phone, yes I sleep with my damn phone, and held it in my hand not sure if I should call 911 or use it to defend myself from what I was certain was some kind of hell beast coming to take me home. I focused on my breathing, trying to not move too much so the T-Rex hell beast could not find me. One cat moved, luckily it is the one I don’t like as much so that was cool.
Eventually, I heard a scuffle and saw the reflection of the twirling lights of cop cars. I held on my phone tighter and finally fell back asleep. I decided if it was a hell beast, I can’t put up a fight so take me while I am sleeping. If it was a human, I am sure the cops have it under control. If it was a T-Rex, that would be sweet, I always wanted a T-Rex with their cute stubby arms!
Leaving this morning was a bit nerve-racking; I had no idea what awaited me outside my door. Possibly there was a dead body; maybe the hell beast took someone else in error. I looked through the peephole, which was useless and then slowly opened to find all was clear.
As I emerged, so did a neighbor and we compared stories. Another neighbor came along who had actually talked to the cops and he gave us the official story that a dude with a pipe broke in by shattering the front windows, damaged a bunch of doors including mine but was apprehended and carted off to jail along with the 3 other randoms that broke into the next door building. While that is the official story, I remain unconvinced that it was not a hell beast as it was really, really loud.
Our conversation continued discussing the hood and all the recent changes. So many buildings have gone up this year and while one would think all these extra people in our before undiscovered corner of the city would be awesome, it is difficult to deal with the traffic congestion and all these annoying people!
Eventually, the conversation bored me and I was off to enjoy the day, ever on the look out for hell bests of course.