I often clear my thoughts by writing them down. Post-it notes, journals and even emails I never send. My email draft folder is full of random thoughts and half completed messages. Many of them to my ex. None of which I intended to send. Some of which had his email address in the “To” field.
It was super late last night and I was cleaning out this folder, reading some of my past thoughts and reminding myself that the same issues kept cropping up when I did the most horrifying thing…I hit “Send” and not “Discard.”
I stared at my laptop, stunned. I swore a bunch. I sent a text to my friend so he could laugh at me and try to make it better. More swearing.
Looking at the email, the first part could be confused as being a rehash of other things I have said and then it devolved into a jumbled mess of thoughts. I imagined him thinking I was drunk or had popped a bolt in my brain and was harassing him by email. Argh! So I sent him ANOTHER email saying it was an accident, please disregard, sorry, blah blah blah.
And with that my graceful exit from my crappy breakup was ruined.
FU fat fingers. FU stupid brain. And a second FU to the part of my brain that keeps wondering if this was my subconscious at work somehow.
Today I am exhausted, embarrassed and feel like I am a lame sitcom chick lacking a laugh track and a cute roommate to make me feel better in some unrealistic way.