As all relationships are a two-way street, I need to examine my part in our demise. I am trying to not beat myself up or wallow in the negative, but if I am to learn from this, I need to have an accurate picture of the situation. I am also trying to be careful to not excuse his behavior or take responsibility for his actions, as I sometimes feel more comfortable doing so.
I was ignoring my needs. There were things I wanted from our relationship, from any relationship, that were not being fulfilled. I tried to talk to him, to find ways to get what I needed but I was not successful. Over time, I pushed those things aside thinking that was the right thing to do, but upon reflection, it was just the easy thing to do and it put a barrier between us I did not acknowledge.
I became passive. I waited for him to initiate instead of doing so myself. This is related to the ignoring my needs but there were plenty of little things as well. Instead of talking to him when I wanted, I would wait. I nearly always let him plan our night instead of taking the initiative. Without realizing it I became passive, not just with him but with life in general.
I am not sure I made him feel special. For quite a while, I felt as though I was there to fill time and I was more an addendum to his life than an important part of it. I wanted him to make me feel special like when we first met, but was I doing anything to make him feel that way? I am not sure when it happened but we seemed to settle into a routine and lost some of the excitement.
I stopped communicating. This is a tough one. I talked to him repeatedly about feeling I was not able to communicate with him effectively anymore. I would ask questions and get an “I don’t know” reply or merely a one-word answer. It is hard to work with so little. I was never sure if I got my point across. Communication requires a partner and it was hard to get him to participate. So slowly I gave up. Instead of trying new ways or pushing him, I just wrote myself little notes on things to discuss…someday…and that someday never happened.
I had intended to talk to him on my last visit and there was a couple moments I think back to and regret not saying what needed to be said. I just didn’t. I was in pain from my twisted knee and I was freezing. I am not sure I have ever been so cold for so long, it was almost painful. My discomfort gave me an excuse to not say what was on my mind. I should have stepped up anyway.
My funk definitely impacted our relationship. I can think of a few times I wanted to do something for him, with him or talk to him and I just didn’t have the energy to do it. I just was not in a place to nurture our relationship when I was not taking care of myself. I think all of the above were made worse by my rut, or all of the above made my rut worse. Chicken. Egg. No idea which came first anymore but they were definitely connected.
I write all this out and it looks so much worse than it felt. I was in love and thought we had things to work on together and I thought we would. Without me realizing it, he had already checked out and there would be no working on anything…at least not together.
So he chose to avoid me for a couple days and then dump me by text but I was avoiding in my own way as well. I am in no way excusing his bad behavior, but at least he made a move and I oddly admire (or some more appropriate word) that.