My ex-boyfriend and I were finally able to exchange emails and he finally shared more information about our crappy breakup. Finally! Of course it was after I had to wait in dread for a couple days feeling like I could puke any second. Ugh.
It was simultaneously easy to read and hard but it was nearly exactly what I expected. I went through a lot of emotions as I basically re-lived our breakup, but the one I am having issues with is anger.
At first I was hurt and sad. No one likes to hear, err read, that her boyfriend was just not that into her anymore. But I didn’t cry.
I didn’t cry because I was mostly over it and because relief quickly set in, I was correct about our relationship all along and knowing this made me feel less of a nutter. I had asked him numerous times about his real feelings, I made stupid jokes about how far down his priority list I had fallen, but I was always reassured and my concerns were brushed aside.
What I was not doing for some reason was examining how I truly felt. My feelings had changed as well but I was committed to giving this relationship the best I could and I really loved hanging out with him so I didn’t acknowledge the change. My head, heart and gut were just not in sync.
But he knew, he was open to connecting with another person before we broke up; it was a short time before, I choose to believe what he has told me, but it was still before our break. But even that does not make me particularly angry. We were stalled and, while sad and lame, his action at least moved us forward albeit in separate directions.
Where my anger lies is in how he chose to end things with us. Instead of having a conversation, he sent a text, he lied and then he proceeded to erase me from his life. I swirled and freaked out and became a nutter and over thought and talked and cried and wrote and did it all again and again. I wanted answers, I could not accept having no connection and it tore me up.
I want my six weeks back!
I am just mad, as it seems like such a waste of energy, brainpower, conversation, and Kleenex. Yes, knowing the truth right away would have still been crappy but I would have been able to agree and we could have parted ways in a more respectful manner.
I am mad at myself for all the same reasons as before, for going a bit batshit, for being caught off guard and for ignoring my needs.
I am also mad at myself because I can never be of one mind on anything. I see situations on a macro level, I see things from other perspectives. So here I am mad about his actions and I am already letting it go. I can never hold on to my anger even when I just want to wallow in it for a couple days…well, there might be a couple things related to my mother but that seems perfectly normal.
I am not going to get my 6 weeks back. I don’t approve of his behavior, but I understand him and had already forgiven him. I got what I wanted and I have answers and we have a connection.
On my first walk after reading his email, I felt the tension and stress dripping out of my body. That black hole over my left shoulder was nearly gone. I don’t feel completely whole but I am definitely closer. I am moving forward in so many positive ways that my stupid heart and mind won’t give me just a day or two of anger wallowing. Boooooooo. There are so many swear words going unused.
So yes, I have anger issues but it turns out I have an issue with not being so angry.