When I first got dumped, the harshness and suddenness of it sent me in a tailspin. I was so full of grief and sadness that I was not able to think of much more than the pain and the confusion. Now that I have a little bit of distance, I am able to start thinking about it with a bit more perspective.
Our situation was such that he was never able to visit my world; I was always going to his. I didn’t mind it but I would have liked to have the chance to bring him into my life more. I keep my relationships private, this rambling blog aside, but he was nearly a secret, which is too bad.
Also, there was an imbalance in effort, I had to take care of all the details to get to him but he didn’t always make the effort to plan what we could do when I was there and make me feel he was excited to have me. That was hard.
We were never going to marry, never going to have kids together and to have a life together I would have had to move. I thought about it, I wanted to, I didn’t want to, I couldn’t decide. While we had talked about it regularly early on, it no longer came up so a decision was not needed.
In his text breakup, he said it felt like we were just “amazing friends” and maybe he was right, I just don’t know. I have no doubt we didn’t start that way but as time went on and distance remained we did not keep the romantic part front and center.
I think I had the same challenges with our relationship from start to finish. It was never enough to want to end what we had, but there were always things that nagged at me. I suppose every relationship has those, mine are just bubbling up more as I try to figure out what the hell just happened.