It has been a couple days since I went full-on-psycho-ridiculous-obnoxious-creeper-ex-girlfriend-nutter and now I am filled with lots of ick.
I couldn’t take the lack of control or accept not being allowed to participate in our breakup; having no real answers was making my brain swirl at an exhausting rate. The sudden severing of a relationship that meant so much to me for so long left me unsettled and feeling lost, so I went looking.
I found a shadow, just enough information to give me a vague image of a truth. I still don’t know if what I have decided this shadow means is accurate, but it is a narrative that makes sense and one I can accept.
I can’t say I regret looking around as all the information is public and it did help me feel a sense of closure I would not otherwise have but it still makes me feel gross. I want to be this mature normal adult human and I seem to be a High School girl virtually driving by her ex-boyfriend’s house hoping to see him with that new chick from another school. Ugh. Why am I not perfect yet?
So now, the looking has to stop. What happens moving forward is not my business, it is theirs. Despite how things ended with me, they are free to do what they want and I need to respect that…for my own sanity.
It is not the easiest thing to do, despite everything I still miss him and long for a connection. But it is the best thing to do and will help me in the long run and to help me get past this insanity hangover.