There is a cruelty to my crappy breakup that I am having a difficult time getting past. I have no closure. I was not able to look in my boyfriend’s eyes, hear his words, ask my questions and properly process the ending of something special to me.
At first it just didn’t seem real. What remained real was the last conversation we had and our last day together, not these text messages.
Once reality sunk in, I felt impotent, powerless and confused due to the lack of information. I started seeking information wherever I could, letting my mind race as I tried to piece fragments into a whole. It was draining and insanity inducing.
Now it is just unsettling. I have this nagging feeling as though I have wronged him some how, like I made him angry so he had to cut me out of his life. I do not think this is the case logically, but logic is currently not in charge. There is this uncomfortable feeling knowing I cannot talk to him. Every delete from a social app just exacerbates it.
Relationships are mutual and the break-up should be as well. I feel like there is this balloon of pain that has to exist regardless of the causes of a break and each person must absorb some of it, ideally but rarely an equal share. When one person chooses to cut and run it leaves the full measure of the pain on the other.
I have plenty of anger and hurt feelings but I don’t believe my ex is intending to be cruel as much as he was incapable of dealing directly with the situation. Avoidance can be so much easier in the short run. Now with his new chick, he is in that shiny first stage and I am sure has zero desire to deal with what he tossed out.
For me, what I avoid comes back even stronger and harsher later, because dammit my emotions will not be ignored. Maybe he is a lucky freak that requires no such nonsense as to deal with difficult situations or say those pesky goodbyes. That would be sweet and, if so, I am jealous.
I lived a story that is missing a final chapter; I am trying to fill in the blanks but I would really like to have experienced it for myself so I can look back fondly at my favorite parts and not just this dark cloud that is blocking everything else.
I hope that unsettled feeling goes away, I am sure it will over time but for now I have the giant shadow over my shoulder weighing on me.