Yesterday my ex-boyfriend and I FINALLY talked, 7 weeks after he dropped me off at the airport and would soon break up with me by text; It was weird at first, as it felt like nothing had changed and no time had passed, while also feeling like it had been an eternity and I didn’t even know this man anymore.
Earlier in the day he added me back on social media, I hesitated for the slightest moment to accept since we had not actually spoken, but, true to my nature, I clicked yes and then perused the digital remnants of his last weeks; it was more difficult than I expected.
While my life during this time was primarily swirling, swimming and writing, his life appeared full of joy with cute pictures of his children, various posts about music and a conspicuous presence of the new chick face. I knew he was with her, I knew he had charged forward not giving me much thought but seeing it laid out in front of me made me ill. He was happily enjoying his new life while my freak brain had been tormenting me. Aaaaaaa! Too many feelings to process! I could hear Monty Python screaming, “run away, run away!”
I sprung off the couch and went walking but didn’t make it too far before I had to curl up in bed and shed a few tears until I was ready to walk again. Logic and reason finally returned, I was mostly fine, and we made plans to talk, FINALLY.
When I first saw his face, I was so happy; I really missed him. We made a bit of small talk and he noted I had new glasses. Noted but never said he liked them. Oh sure, can’t lie to me about liking my old lady glasses of all things, that is a lie I would willingly take. While I missed it at the time due to all my stress about finally talking, he did say he liked my new glasses so my little dig about lies sadly doesn’t really fit here.
It would have been so easy and completely natural to just chat about anything and everything other than the events of the last couple months, but that was not why we were once again face-to-face. I had made notes, seems pretty pathetic really, but in large, legible print for my old lady eyeballs to easily read, I had written down some key questions I wanted answered, FINALLY.
We talked about us, how much we cared for each other, how we both felt during our relationship and I was reassured knowing I had not misread the years despite being caught off-guard at the end. I got a better sense of the timing of my exit and new chic face’s arrival and how they overlapped but are not really related. We agreed his breakup delivery method was rather lame which is the polite word I choose; I can forgive it, but it will always be there.
I tried to explain how difficult his attempted eradication of me from his life was and how so many tears were about those actions. He tried to explain how it was not so much he wanted me out of his life but that he did not know how to have me in it or that I would still want to be.
Turns out I owe Google a thanks to our reconnection; while it was serving me ads for weight loss, cheap airfare to his nearby airport and links to “Why Men Lie” or “How To Deal With A Broken Heart,” he was shown a link to this blog and saw that I am not vitriolic, a fact he should have already known, laughed at some of my stories and felt compelled to reach out. FINALLY.
We talked about new chic face and I felt my brain split in two, one side listening and feeling as an ex-girlfriend and the other as a once and hopefully future friend. It is still early and hard to know if I can trust that what I think I am feeling is what I am actually feeling but I know I will get there even if there will be some bumps in the road.
As his ex-girlfriend I was feeling pangs of jealousy and comparing our relationship to theirs; I don’t remember the last time he sounded as in love. I know I was not given the kind of support he is giving to her now when I could have used it and I was reminded of times I had shrugged off what should have been acknowledged and how I slowly started to settle on the boyfriend side because the friendship side was so strong. It was difficult at first but as we continued the ex-girlfriend in me began to fade a little. It will never go away, but eventually it will be less prominent.
The friend in me was split on what I heard. I want him to be happy and he says she makes him happy so I am happy to be happy for their happiness. Sounds like she has lots of friends, likes good music, good sense of humor, and all the things that would attract him. In addition, I also heard red flags, signs of a drama magnet, moving too fast, and all that stuff that friends hear and usually decide to just stay supportive hoping they are reading it wrong.
I feel protective of him and hope he is being smart and not completely swept up in the sparkle of new love. As a child of divorce whose parents made some pretty crappy moves on the relationship front, I feel protective of his kids too as I know what can come when the adult relationships get messed up repeatedly; I know that is a major reason why I was not willing to move forward too quickly when we were together.
I remind myself that every relationship is different, that love travels at different speeds at different times and I cannot make leaps based on my filters and history. I do not know her, I have never seen them together, I really cannot judge; most of all, I genuinely want him to find the happiness he is looking for…mostly, I mean c’mon there will always be a teeny, tiny bit of me without any grace.
Finally, we talked about what being friends might mean and how it can work. It is clear we both want to try but I have more confidence in my abilities than his at the moment. It is clear we both want to try but I have more confidence in my abilities to make time for him at the moment although I am certain I will hesitate until I get on more solid footing. I have no idea where I fit in his new world and how he will be a mutual friend to me when I often felt I was putting in a disproportionate effort in our relationship. We acknowledged it is not going to be smooth or easy but it could be worth it in the end; considering how much we joked and laughed during our marathon talk, I am hopeful.
The fact is I don’t really care much about new chick face other than I care about him and how she impacts his life, she is not my friend; she will always be the chick who stole my boyfriend regardless of the fact we were one conversation away from a break. I can’t use her name, she is just “her” and I unexpectedly make snarky comments now and again as we talked. How can I be his friend in this situation? I think that will fade and get easier and he seems to understand my feelings so it might work. Who knows?
I have what I wanted from the day we broke up, I have a connection to him and the chance to see if we can evolve as friends or if it will fade to a distant memory. Anyone who knows my story understands how having someone I once loved evaporate from my life, leaving me to wonder if they ever loved me, ever thought of me and or would ever come back to my life in some fashion, was unbearable and tortured me; I can move on knowing I do not face that situation.
Ending our talk was kind of awkward, after hundreds of chats ending with the same “I love you, sleep well,” what do I say now? We both still feel love for each other but he is not my person and I am not his. Eventually, I think we just said goodbye. I hope we talk again someday. I guess we will see.
Ending our talk was kind of awkward at first, after hundred of chats ending with the same “I love you, sleep well,” what do I say now? But we talked about that and we both said that we still loved each other and that was probably the most honest and sweet “I love you” we have said to each other in a long while. He is not my person, I am not his but we do still care for each other. I hope we talk again someday. I guess we will see.
**I made a few edits to this post a few days later as they were kind of bothering me and had I not rushed to push this live I would have corrected them before I shared it.