Today is the anniversary of my fist break up with my ex-boyfriend; I remember the day since it coincides with other days of note. Our first break was not fun but it was easier since I was ready for it, we had an actual adult conversation, it was about his inabilities to deal and I suppose because I was entangled elsewhere not too long after. None of those things are true this time.
I have had bouts of sadness this week and have been trying to figure out what is behind these feelings. It has been 2 months since our text break up which, depending on the day, feels like an eternity or just yesterday, but it has only been a few weeks since we talked and I heard his truth. In some ways I had to start processing the breakup all over again, blending his truth with mine.
I am not sure when and why I became fascinated with the concept of truth, but it has been for as long as I can recall. Studying the absolutes of science and the way knowledge is built and organized is as appealing to me as the philosophical debates of truth as a concept. I remember many an annoyed teacher as I posed question after question trying to uncover the why of something and get to the truth.
Understanding situations, people and myself is all part of getting to the truth for me and is part of my core. A friend of mine said last week that I have a knack for quickly uncovering people’s weaknesses and I would say that while correct it might be more accurate that I can quickly understand people and uncover their truths including those they are trying to hide.
So I should not be surprised that I am struggling a bit with some of the lies related to my breakup. Lies to me, lies about me and lies I told myself. The lies to me I have forgiven but I sometimes wonder when they began and if I even know them all and the lies to myself I have acknowledged and hope I can become more aware of so as to not fall into the same traps in the future. The lies about me are nagging at me.
I am not sure lie is the right word but it is how it feels to me. I understand that truth varies from person to person; we can each look at the same tree and see something different and that is our truth but knowing that does not always take away the frustration when others do not see things the way I see them.
When my ex met new chick face he presented himself as single and when I was visiting him I was referred as “a friend” so as far as she knows I never really existed in his life. To him, this is the truth as he was thinking of me as just a friend when he met her, even though he had neglected to share this revelation with me. It might be his truth but it is a deceptive truth. To me, this diminishes all of my time with him and makes me feel like crap; it alters my truth.
Why should I care? I have nothing to do with their relationship and it really doesn’t take away the times we had together. They are moving forward quickly and I guess sharing their pasts is not of any concern; personally, I like to know such things as a means of understanding the person even more. I suppose his truth, while not in sync with mine, does not have to alter how I think of things but it does.
How can I be a friend with him when his new person knows nothing of me? How do I really fit into his world and when will I be booted completely as his deception no longer works? We tried being friends after our first breakup and that had many bumps in the road, but this feels like a landmine. Maybe it really doesn’t matter to him, to her and I am the only one bothered. But it bothers and it makes me cautious.
So why do I care? Because my truth has changed and I had to acknowledge it. I was merely the transition girl; the person he kept time with, made his mistakes with, until his great love that everything was leading towards arrived. And when she arrived he was so ready to move on I am not sure he had time to blink whereas I am still periodically sad and writing blog posts about trying to process my feelings. I even had a horrible nightmare where he was trying to kill me but then I ran into the ocean and was attacked by a shark, I’ll skip further details.
Things I shared with him are now shared with her and are their thing. I hate it but it is fine, that always happens. I suppose I should be flattered when it does, maybe this “generic friend label person” had a few good bits in her to pass on. Blah.
Being unaware I was the transition girl blows. It makes me feel insignificant and frankly rather silly for even caring like I did and caring like I do. However, it is my truth and not like I lack experience with the role. I should really write a manual on how to be a transition girl, maybe start a club, or a stupid Buzzfeed post about 27 ways to identify when you are the transition girl. I need to do something.
In time, I will be okay with being the transition girl and not feel that my truth was significantly altered by his truth. In time, it probably won’t bother me or make me sad when it pops into my head. Time always helps. I want a time machine…but I would use it to go look at dinos so not sure that would help although the dinos would be an awesome distraction.
Side note: I was going through my crafting projects getting them organized and I found the last thing I was working on, super cute monkey valentines for him and his kids. I am not sure how I forgot about those but for the first time ever I threw out a project.