That Awkward Day When I Went Insane

I spent a good amount of time trying to calm my brain down after the gummy bear discovery but nothing seemed to deter me from wanting to know more. I went full-on-psycho-ridiculous-obnoxious-creeper-ex-girlfriend-nutter and started looking everywhere for some scrap of information.

I am not even sure what I was hoping to find. But I found it. There for all to read was a tweet from new chick obviously referencing my ex, saying he “deemed her ‘irresistible’ last night.” “Last night” as in the second day of my visit when I was sitting next to him on the couch after a day touring various local attractions. What? When the hell did he have time? How did I miss this? WTF? How is this possible?

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Betrayed By Gummy Bears

Something woke me early the other morning. Maybe a disturbance in the force was to blame. I woke up feeling off and really anxious. I pulled out the trusty laptop and began tapping. Having so little information about my crappy breakup, I felt this compulsion to start digging around that would not be stopped. I see my ex is listening to tunes about love. He posted a new picture I can’t see. He has a new like.

I took a breath and clicked on the new chick face he had friended the day he unfriended me. She looked his type, unlike me. As I skimmed the page I got a sense she had lots of friends, good taste in music, liked makeup, had fun, seemed nice, open, gushy even. I wanted to hate her but there was nothing to hate; I could see why he would be interested in her.

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Valentines Day Did Not Blow

 

lilleeandchrisConsidering my recent state of singledom and the annoying present returns I had to do after getting dumped, I was pleasantly surprised that Valentine’s Day did not make me cranky. I was able to smile and laugh a bit at all the guys in line for flowers.

I stayed up late getting all fangirly with my niece about out mutual love of The Walking Dead, which might be the best way to spend Valentine’s ever.

The great Lego Simpsons’s House build with my nephew helped provide a fun distraction as well. I might have been a tad bit annoying with my quality control checks but the house is better for it.

No bitterness or even snark here. Could it be I am moving past the crappy breakup of 2014? Fingers crossed.

My Non-Linear Stages Of Grief

Part of my Internet exploration led me to the 5 stages of relationship grief. This immediately piqued my curiosity, as I want to make sure I do this correctly, just like normal humans.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

I think I have already experienced each stage a few times. I am not sure how the normals do it, but I keep bouncing around all over the place. It is almost like a game of Simon (yes I am old) where I am just following some random light pattern.

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Bits Of Internet Wisdom

Why? Why? Why? I start to feel better and then suddenly I am asking “Why?” once again. Rather annoying. Bored, confused, cold, tired, I turned to the trusty Internet for clues and answers.

I learned “100 musts” to keep a long-distance relationship viable…too late on that one! One article after another touted the importance of communication in healthy relationships…I knew this yet I blew it. I saw many a bitter comment and wondered how some of these people haven’t landed in jail. I read stories about much more traumatizing breakups than my own. Nothing really made me feel better, but I did feel a bit less nutty.

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A Graceful Exit Ruined, @#$%!!

I often clear my thoughts by writing them down. Post-it notes, journals and even emails I never send. My email draft folder is full of random thoughts and half completed messages. Many of them to my ex. None of which I intended to send. Some of which had his email address in the “To” field.

It was super late last night and I was cleaning out this folder, reading some of my past thoughts and reminding myself that the same issues kept cropping up when I did the most horrifying thing…I hit “Send” and not “Discard.”

I stared at my laptop, stunned. I swore a bunch. I sent a text to my friend so he could laugh at me and try to make it better. More swearing.

Looking at the email, the first part could be confused as being a rehash of other things I have said and then it devolved into a jumbled mess of thoughts. I imagined him thinking I was drunk or had popped a bolt in my brain and was harassing him by email. Argh! So I sent him ANOTHER email saying it was an accident, please disregard, sorry, blah blah blah.

And with that my graceful exit from my crappy breakup was ruined.

FU fat fingers. FU stupid brain. And a second FU to the part of my brain that keeps wondering if this was my subconscious at work somehow.

Today I am exhausted, embarrassed and feel like I am a lame sitcom chick lacking a laugh track and a cute roommate to make me feel better in some unrealistic way.

The Social Media Purge, Continued

Well crap! I forgot about Google+ during the social media unfriending frenzy.

I was looking at my circles trying to organize them better to help make the site more useful when I remembered we were still connected and I should probably rectify that. I went to remove him but he had already taken care of it. I was a bit puzzled by this since he never used the site other than for our nightly video “Hangout” sessions. His picture was different too. Odd.

Then I noticed a new chick face in his tiny circle list, it was like my eyeballs were lasers and went straight to the picture. My mind began racing. I looked at his Facebook page, same face added the day he booted me. We have not even been broken up a week, as a matter of fact I just flew back from visiting him last Wednesday, and he already has a new whatever. I have no idea who she is to him, I want to think she is a friend but…

I remembered seeing something odd in my FB feed before I went to visit him; he had “liked” a random bakery from some town in Alabama. It seemed really random and out of place. I forgot about it until now. I looked at that page and there was the same chick face, she is the owner.

My heart sank even further. My mind is a swirling mess.

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