It is a special kind of torture when you are at a point in your life when you must tell yourself to “let it go” repeatedly and there is a catchy, uber popular Disney song by the same name playing everywhere. Torture.
I have never heard the entire tune, have not seen the movie but I am tormented by the refrain. Maybe if I see the movie I will finally release myself from its musical grasp, but I am having trouble confronting my fear.
I try to tell myself to “let it be” or “don’t worry, be happy” or even “shut up” but I fail and the song worms into my brain. It is ironic that a tune about letting go, won’t let go of my inner music channel. Torture.
I wish I were one of those people that could put something behind them and move on quickly. Me, I mostly do but there is always this remnant that swirls about until one day it miraculously evaporates and fades from memory as if it had never been a thing at all. If only that could happen sooner and on command I would be a bit more at peace.
Side note: this process is true of everything but my resentment for my mother and her pet killing/giving away tendencies. No matter what I try, I have never been able to fully let that go as evidenced by a recent unexpected outburst. I probably need to let go of the notion that I can let that go.
Right now the swirling is about a friend, also an ex-boyfriend, who sometimes is a total inconsiderate tool. I am annoyed. What I am annoyed about is not worth putting down on paper yet thinking about it makes my jaw clench, my eyes squint and my stomach floppy…and my head full of profanity. I am torn between my desire to write a long detailed explanation of my anger to him and the resolve that it would not matter or change anything. It never has.
I remind myself that people make time for what they care about and what their priorities are not for my expectations and the only thing I can control is my response. I tell myself to accept people as they are, not how I wish they would be. I ask myself if this will even matter in a year, a month or a few weeks. I reluctantly admit that I have not mastered the force and I do not control the Universe even though I really should because things would suck so much less for us all, well maybe not people I get annoyed with.
Ultimately, I tell myself to let it go and then suffer through that damn song swirling in my head along with the various remnant thoughts that just won’t give me a break. Torture.