My Non-Linear Stages Of Grief

Part of my Internet exploration led me to the 5 stages of relationship grief. This immediately piqued my curiosity, as I want to make sure I do this correctly, just like normal humans.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

I think I have already experienced each stage a few times. I am not sure how the normals do it, but I keep bouncing around all over the place. It is almost like a game of Simon (yes I am old) where I am just following some random light pattern.

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Bits Of Internet Wisdom

Why? Why? Why? I start to feel better and then suddenly I am asking “Why?” once again. Rather annoying. Bored, confused, cold, tired, I turned to the trusty Internet for clues and answers.

I learned “100 musts” to keep a long-distance relationship viable…too late on that one! One article after another touted the importance of communication in healthy relationships…I knew this yet I blew it. I saw many a bitter comment and wondered how some of these people haven’t landed in jail. I read stories about much more traumatizing breakups than my own. Nothing really made me feel better, but I did feel a bit less nutty.

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A Graceful Exit Ruined, @#$%!!

I often clear my thoughts by writing them down. Post-it notes, journals and even emails I never send. My email draft folder is full of random thoughts and half completed messages. Many of them to my ex. None of which I intended to send. Some of which had his email address in the “To” field.

It was super late last night and I was cleaning out this folder, reading some of my past thoughts and reminding myself that the same issues kept cropping up when I did the most horrifying thing…I hit “Send” and not “Discard.”

I stared at my laptop, stunned. I swore a bunch. I sent a text to my friend so he could laugh at me and try to make it better. More swearing.

Looking at the email, the first part could be confused as being a rehash of other things I have said and then it devolved into a jumbled mess of thoughts. I imagined him thinking I was drunk or had popped a bolt in my brain and was harassing him by email. Argh! So I sent him ANOTHER email saying it was an accident, please disregard, sorry, blah blah blah.

And with that my graceful exit from my crappy breakup was ruined.

FU fat fingers. FU stupid brain. And a second FU to the part of my brain that keeps wondering if this was my subconscious at work somehow.

Today I am exhausted, embarrassed and feel like I am a lame sitcom chick lacking a laugh track and a cute roommate to make me feel better in some unrealistic way.

The Social Media Purge, Continued

Well crap! I forgot about Google+ during the social media unfriending frenzy.

I was looking at my circles trying to organize them better to help make the site more useful when I remembered we were still connected and I should probably rectify that. I went to remove him but he had already taken care of it. I was a bit puzzled by this since he never used the site other than for our nightly video “Hangout” sessions. His picture was different too. Odd.

Then I noticed a new chick face in his tiny circle list, it was like my eyeballs were lasers and went straight to the picture. My mind began racing. I looked at his Facebook page, same face added the day he booted me. We have not even been broken up a week, as a matter of fact I just flew back from visiting him last Wednesday, and he already has a new whatever. I have no idea who she is to him, I want to think she is a friend but…

I remembered seeing something odd in my FB feed before I went to visit him; he had “liked” a random bakery from some town in Alabama. It seemed really random and out of place. I forgot about it until now. I looked at that page and there was the same chick face, she is the owner.

My heart sank even further. My mind is a swirling mess.

The Universe Was Warning Me

Before my last visit to see him, I hurt me knee. I already felt gross, cold, sick of winter and now my knee hurt. Great. I really was not in the mood to travel but I also wanted to see him.

Things had felt off for a while, he was busy working more and more, had started to talk less, email less and just seemed distracted. I asked repeatedly if he wanted me to come and he did. I asked repeatedly if things were okay with us and he assured me all was well. I assumed when we were together we would get in sync again.

But the Universe tried to tell me that was not going to be the case.

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My Breakup Culpability

As all relationships are a two-way street, I need to examine my part in our demise. I am trying to not beat myself up or wallow in the negative, but if I am to learn from this, I need to have an accurate picture of the situation. I am also trying to be careful to not excuse his behavior or take responsibility for his actions, as I sometimes feel more comfortable doing so.

I was ignoring my needs. There were things I wanted from our relationship, from any relationship, that were not being fulfilled. I tried to talk to him, to find ways to get what I needed but I was not successful. Over time, I pushed those things aside thinking that was the right thing to do, but upon reflection, it was just the easy thing to do and it put a barrier between us I did not acknowledge.

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Peeling Back The Layers

When I first got dumped, the harshness and suddenness of it sent me in a tailspin. I was so full of grief and sadness that I was not able to think of much more than the pain and the confusion. Now that I have a little bit of distance, I am able to start thinking about it with a bit more perspective.

Our situation was such that he was never able to visit my world; I was always going to his. I didn’t mind it but I would have liked to have the chance to bring him into my life more. I keep my relationships private, this rambling blog aside, but he was nearly a secret, which is too bad.

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Why Do I Want To Be Friends With My Ex?

As much as I hate losing my boyfriend, I hate losing my friend. It is really hard to not have him in my life. It is the little things, the day-to-day rituals that seem to be the hardest to let go. Things pop in my mind and I want to tell him or send him a note, but I can’t. He is gone.

I know it would not be healthy to try to be friends right now while I am still reeling from the sudden break, but to never talk to him again makes me so sad. Also, we have tried to be friends before but that didn’t work very well due to a lack of honesty on his part and lingering feelings on mine. But still, how can he no longer be in my life? Hardy seems fair or right.

I remind myself that we do not know what the future holds. Maybe some day, when the time is right, we will connect again. Maybe in time I will no longer desire his friendships. Maybe I will finally master The Force. Who knows? But I have to stop worrying about NEVER and just focus on now.

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