My New Old Jam

I have always had a special place in my musical heart for Camper Van Beethoven from the first time I saw them open for R.E.M. to the later tours at First Avenue. David Lowery went on to form the equally loved band Cracker and he is probably one of the top 5 musicians I have seen most often live. While CVB’s “Take The Skinheads Bowling” was the tune I first loved and became a regular on my college radio show, “Ambiguity Song” is on the most playlists and is a song that resonates with me in times of uncertainty…it is once again my jam.

The video is pointless, just posted here for the tune.

Riding The Thought Roller Coaster

An aside: When I began writing about My Crappy Breakup and Operation Suck Less in 2014™ I was doing so for myself as a way to process and organize my thoughts. Now that people, including my ex, have read this I find myself hesitating and wanting to filter what I write. But I have decided not to do that and continue just writing for myself…typos and all; it would be pointless otherwise.

I woke up this morning before my alarm and for the first time in weeks not from an unsettling dream; I even had a morning earworm although the music selection was a bit odd. I managed to get to the pool before my allotted time so I could take advantage of the full hour. I even exceeded my goal for laps.

I am having an awesome day and I haven’t even hit happy hour with my friends yet. It has been so long since I felt this way, I want to cry, but for completely different reasons than the last 350 times I wanted to cry. Note to self: get more Kleenex.

Yesterday was a crazy roller coaster ride of thoughts and feelings, I am not sure how one person can cram so many into a single day but I did it. Go me?

I finally had contact with my ex. It was such a relief knowing I was not hated and it made me feel better having a connection with him once again. But it did send my mind and my emotions racing…of course.

Now that I had gotten what I said I wanted, I started to imagine what could be next, what kind of friendship we could possibly have; I miss my friend terribly. As I was thinking about this, I dawned on me that what I really want is my boyfriend back. This frustrated me and scared me as I thought I was past that feeling. My mind began swirling faster.

When I picked this notion apart in the harshness of my reality, what I actually want is the guy who pursued me 3.5 years ago, the guy who I fell for again and committed to last year, I want THAT boyfriend back. But THAT boyfriend is gone and was gone even before our crappy breakup. Someday I hope I am lucky enough to find a THAT boyfriend v2.0.

His life is moving forward in another direction that does not include me but even before that I felt like I was just an addendum to his life, not a priority. I wanted to be closer to him, I even wanted to move to do it, but I could not get past the nagging suspicion that I was not important enough to him to justify making that leap. Turns out I was right and luckily I am not stuck in burbsville with no one I know going through what I am now.

So what kind of connection can we have now, I keep wondering. I immediately jumped in saying I wanted to be friends in our short email exchange. I am not sure that is what he wants though. Have I ever really known what he wants?  He indicated he would write more later, but never did. So I will have to wait and see what he says, if he says anything.

Can he really be my friend, the girl he tossed aside? Can he even entertain that while he is in that shiny new love state, getting engrossed in her interests and making other changes to his life? Can I be a friend with him while he is with this girl who replaced me? Can I stop my mind from repeating the same questions?

When I think about what kind of connection we can have, my mind paints pictures that are in the future. I know these are in the future, cuz I look good and successfully sucked less in 2014. I picture he and I, two people that know each other well and are really comfortable with each other, sitting in a restaurant having dinner, talking, laughing, and catching up on our lives. I see us video chatting and comparing crazy cat stories and him telling me about his kids and their accomplishments. I see us laughing at the things we mutually find a bit ridiculous in the world. It is similar to what we had, yet in my mind it feels completely different without all the fretting about love stuff.

How we get from where we are now to that future point I am not sure, nor am I sure he even wants what I want. I wish we could talk in person, have all those conversations we should have had when I was there last. If he wanted, I would hop on a plane and do just that.

I don’t know the best way to move forward but at least now I am a participant. I could not participate in our breakup, but I can be an equal partner in what comes of it. I have my power back and it feels amazing.

Granted, I always had my power even if it felt a bit muted. I could control my actions and reactions to the situation, I didn’t always do it gracefully, but I did it. Now I have the power to shape what happens.

I also have some clarity. I could never reconcile this strong connection we had with his erasing me from his life. It did not compute and it left me questioning everything. After our emails, I was able to regain my bearings and know, at least for the friendship parts, I was not completely wrong.

After swirling about this all day and finally coming to realize what I want and that I can help shape getting there, I exhaled. A deep exhale. It may have been partly due to that silly yoga class I was in but not particularly “being present” in, but it was a cleansing exhale and I felt some peace.

I sent him an email sharing a bit of my thoughts, cuz why wouldn’t I want to send him an email to tell him I will wait for him to tell me more instead of doing just that..ugh. Now, I have to be patient, not my strongest attribute, and he has to be honest and willing, not always his best attributes either, and we will see where things go.

I slept well, I enjoyed some music, I swam, I put some words together and overall it is a good day.

The Universe Is A Crazy MoFo

So after writing a lengthy email to my ex, swirling about sending it or not at a dizzying pace, the craziest and most unexpected thing happened, he reached out to me.

I was pacing in the hallway working to hit my daily steps goal as measured by my trusty fitbit, when I heard an alert I had not heard in weeks; I had an email message from him. I stopped so suddenly I think I threw out my back and immediately read it. It was nice, it told me some of what I needed to hear and it lifted the black hole of dread that has been hanging on my shoulders for weeks. It doesn’t make up for all the bad behavior but it made me feel better.

Unexpectedly, he found out about this blog and read it. I had not planned to make this public when I first set about to process all my crappy feelings so what I wrote was not filtered. Well, there were those fairly creative revenge fantasies I chose to keep to myself just in case I decided to implement one; I watch “Law and Order” I know only idiots leave a digital trail of their crimes.

I have mixed feelings about him reading these thoughts but maybe it is a good thing. It could not have been easy for him to take in the words but still reading about the results of his crappy behavior is probably easier than actually facing it as it occurred.

What comes of this now, I have no idea. It would be nice if we could build some kind of a friendship but I got what I wanted at this point; I have a connection and I know he does not hate me.

It occurs to me my blog now has magical powers. Maybe if I try posting something else I hope to happen, it will come true as well. Here it goes

I want a time machine so I can go back and hang with some dinosaurs
I want to finally master the force
I want a pet shark or a dragon or a sharkdragon
I want a separate planet where I can send everyone that bugs me and where it is always humid and hot and there are no natural fibers or creams to relieve rashes
I want a smaller butt without putting in any effort to get it
I want calorie free chocolate cake that is full of protein and all those good things we supposedly get from veggies
I want to Suck Less in 2014™

I will be satisfied if I only get the last one but I am trying to think big. C’mon Universe!

To Contact or Not to Contact, That Is The Question

I have a strong urge to do something I would absolutely tell anyone else not to do: emailing my ex.

The committee in my brain cannot reach a consensus as to the appropriateness of this action. Each voice is making a strong case for doing it, not doing it, or going shopping, which is really off topic.

Pros: I want to have a connection of some kind, I want him to know I forgive him, I want to apologize for a few things I did.
Cons: He wants you erased from his life and it is called breaking up for a reason, he doesn’t care about your forgiveness or silly apologies.
Shopping: You need stuff.

My gut is saying go for it reminding me I tend to regret what I do not do or say much more than what I actually do or say. My gut is all DO IT! My gut is loud and obnoxious.

My heart is unsure and abstained from the voting or providing any input.

I want him to acknowledge he received it and tell me he doesn’t hate me and that someday we can try that friendship stuff. I need to be okay with getting no reply at all or getting one that tells me to f**k off. Not sure I can be ready for that one though.

I have written the email, reread it too many times and I guess now I will just ponder.

I am so stinking jealous of normal humans that can just move forward without all this swirling nonsense. They are probably the same people that can glide across the ice without falling on their butts. Hate em.


A friend posted this on Google+  Seemed appropriate.
A friend posted this on Google+ Seemed appropriate.

Forgiveness and Letting Go

It has been 5 week since my crappy breakup, in some ways it seems like an eternity, in others like it was yesterday.

I know I am not whole yet. I feel like I gave him a piece of me that he just threw away; I am hoping I have some latent amphibian DNA that will re-grow what I am missing. Existing when not feeling whole is a bit like going through the motions and not particularly joyous. Blah. But each day is a little better and at times I even forget.

I will feel whole again but it will take time and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster. I wish I could, but I have found the more I try to control how I feel, the crazier it makes me feel. More than likely, it will happen so slowly I won’t even notice when it does.

Continue reading “Forgiveness and Letting Go”

Now I Get It, Multiverses.

My sudden and harsh breakup left me quite confused as I tried to piece together all of these contradictory bits of data into one complete theory that made sense. My brain would swirl and when I thought I had it all solved, I would remember something else that blew it all up thereby invalidating my hypothesis. Frustrating.

But now I understand, my breakup and my ex-boyfriend are scientific proof that multiverses exist.

Granted, my tiny brain is only capable of understanding the theory of multiverses on a conceptual level but that is perfect since it turns out I only understood my ex in theory as well.

So I get it. All of these conflicting truths are actually true at the same time. They exist in imperceptibly different universes simultaneously. Woah.

He loved me. He wasn’t in love with me. He was happy with me. He pursued another. He lied. He cheated. He didn’t want to hurt me. We are great friends. He wants me out of his life. All true. All at the same time.

And this simultaneous existence bent the laws of physics enough that it actually prevented me from seeing the truth. But each universe has its own truth so I guess I did see A truth just not the one existing in the universe I currently reside.

It makes so much sense now. Why the hell did I drop that advance physics class? Oh right, it was too early.

My hope now is to somehow escape my perceived universe to the space in between, the higher dimension, and enjoy a different view and the peace of the nothingness. Science, yo.

WTH Emotions, Why You Gotta Be Like This?

Today is one of those annoying days where I feel sad and melancholy completely out of the blue. Could this be hormonal shenanigans messing with me for sport? It there a tiny blip in my brain chemicals? Is my microbiome, gut bacteria, fluttering out of whack? Whichever, whatever it is I disapprove and am currently giving it the finger.

Continue reading “WTH Emotions, Why You Gotta Be Like This?”

OMG I Smiled!

Yesterday I cleaned out my purse and found a small trinket from my last visit with my ex; remembering the day made me smile. Then I smiled again because I was smiling. It was a regular smile fest all over the place.

I took this as a good sign to finally tuck away those things that reminded me of him…or at least the ones that solely reminded me of him not the awesome stuff he gave me that fit with my other awesome stuff to make things more awesome.

Continue reading “OMG I Smiled!”

It’s Was Me. It’s Was Him. It’s Was Us.

As happens too often, I woke up this morning with a clear realization: I was the reason for our breakup. It wasn’t because he did not want anything long-distance, or that he couldn’t handle a relationship right now, or any of the other reasons I wish could be the case. He did not want a relationship with me, specifically me, so much so he barely remembered to tell me before he moved on.

This thought just smacked me across the face. It took me a while to acknowledge it, but here it is, it is all about me. For once maybe my narcissism is valid.

I let it sink in, I walked for a bit to get the blood flowing so my brain had the proper nourishment for swirling and when I was done I determined it sucks, but it’s fine. It has to be. I can’t change the situation. I am not going to change who I am and wouldn’t if I actually could.

Continue reading “It’s Was Me. It’s Was Him. It’s Was Us.”

I Chose Poorly And Found A Nutter

Ugh. Shortly after my breakup, an old acquaintance contacted me offering support and an ear. She was not someone I was particularly close to and someone I had always been tentative with as she could be unpredictable but I was on a kick to reconnect with old friends and could use an extra pair of ears.

We hung out briefly, the evening seemed harmless, and I really didn’t expect much to come of it.

I was wrong. I chose poorly.

Continue reading “I Chose Poorly And Found A Nutter”

%d bloggers like this: