My Crappy Breakup, Cont.

I find myself repeatedly asking “why” as if some narrator with a soothing voice, I pick Morgan Freeman, will calmly explain what happened and provide comfort. I keep wondering what I am going to do. I feel like I have never had such pain or loss or like I am the only person in the known universe who has ever had a breakup. I want to whinge and moan all over the interwebs until everyone knows my pain and somehow I become a meme…not a mean one though, something cute and funny maybe including a shark.

But the reality is I know I will survive, I know I am not the only person in pain, I am sure I am not even the only person dumped by text in the last 24 hours. This isn’t the end of the world it just sucks balls. Blah.
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Gathering My Breakup Toolkit

1)     Tissues. I highly recommend Kleenex Ultra Soft. They are in fact ultra soft but also strong enough for nose blowing when your ugly cry face includes a runny nose. The square box is also perfect for tucking in the corner of your bed, your couch or wherever you are wallowing.

2)     Garbage can. Disposal of above.

3)     Water, lots and lots of water. Must keep hydrated.

4)     Kitties or some other cuddly pet to head butt you randomly and distract you from wallowing.

5)     Super comfy cloths. Obviously.

6)     Pillows. Perfect for hugging or punching depending on the mood.

7)     Friends and Family. I highly recommend a variety of listeners so that you do not wear out one as you process the same nonsense over and over. Also, it is important to have at least one that will listen and just say it sucks and another to provide some tough love when needed or humor when appropriate.

8)     A journal. Sometimes it is best to write it all out.

9)     Music. For me this is not doable yet since music reminds me of him, but at some point it will make me feel better.

My Crappy Breakup, 2014 edition

Yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me…by text. It was sudden, it was harsh but most of all it was confusing. The last words he typed to me were “I’m not going to talk to you.” It was a punch to the gut, every single emotion I am capable of feeling flooded my brain all at once and I think I short-circuited. I actually barely remember what happened. I am overwhelmed with sadness and I feel lost.

I am so upset that I was not given the chance to even participate in my breakup, to get any answers to my questions or get any sense of closure. On one hand, I don’t understand how anyone can treat someone they love(d) this way, on the other, I know him so well I actually understand…I do not approve, but I understand him.

I felt compelled to send him an email, it was long but I obviously had a lot to say. I hope when I read it again later I said everything I meant to. I have no idea if he read it or not, I probably never will know but it made me feel better.

Goals. Need Some.

In order for me to actually achieve the results I want, I guess I need some goals. My New Year’s resolution to “suck less in 2014,” while accurate, doesn’t seem like a very positive guiding principle. I did come up with a couple words (PROFANITY?) that could help guide me, reduce and rejuvenate, but I think I need a bit more.

Time to channel my marketing background and make a plan. (THIS IS GONNA BE A SNOOZE)

My mission, I guess, is to live a happy fulfilling life (PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE’S, NO?) but that is a bit too broad to actually think about right now. Taking it down a couple steps what I want is to reclaim my life and enjoy turning 50. (UM NO BE HONEST)

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How Did I Get Here

I keep asking myself how I got in this funk and so far I have no short answer.

I took some time to write about the events of the last several years and really there was no great tragedy, not one particular thing but an aggregate of events I am perfectly equipped to handle and didn’t. (NO YOU DIDN”T) I feel like such a whiner. (YES) I am trying hard to not beat myself up over this (GOOD LUCK) but that is hard. I am glad I wrote it down so I can acknowledge where I am in my life now but I need to look forward, shake this off and hopefully identify a few ways to prevent a repeat. (BLAH BLAH BLAH) Go me! (YES, GO YOU)

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An Honest Assessment

Even though I need to do more and ponder less, my first step to get out of my rut is more pondering. Pondering with a purpose to make an honest assessment of where I am and how I got here.  I am pretty sure there are some inspirational quotes that perfectly fit here but I don’t feel like looking. (UM, THE INTERNET, YOU ARE ON IT)

I spent an afternoon in silence with a notebook, a handful of colored pens, letting my thoughts wander and writing down what seemed important. I paced, I played with my kitties, I doodled and I even dusted at one point. (BORING) I wish I could say I had some revelation but every thing that bubbled up, I already knew even if I was doing my best to not acknowledge it.

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Cuz The Internet Needs Another Blog

The purpose of this blog is to help me happily embrace my upcoming 50th birthday and to climb out of the rut I slowly slid into over the last few years. Enough with the pondering, it is time for the action.

Posts will include half-baked thoughts on what it means to be a better person, the not-so-awesomeness that is a healthy lifestyle, and the unexpected joys of aging. Other posts will be slightly embellished tales of spinster’s mundane life as well as a heavy dose of her ever-changing interests and obsessions.

My history with milestone birthdays is full of unnecessary dread and anxiety followed by a shrug on the big day, a realization that all the contrived stress was kind of silly and regret that I didn’t just enjoy myself. This time is going to be different. (FINGERS CROSSED.)

I am writing this for myself, there will be typos, some poor grammar and probably some rambling in need of an editor. (JUST WHAT THE INTERNET NEEDS) Oh well. I’ll live and so will anyone who stops by.

While getting older kind of blows, it is much better than the alternative so I may as well have some fun along the way.