The Social Media Purge, Continued

Well crap! I forgot about Google+ during the social media unfriending frenzy.

I was looking at my circles trying to organize them better to help make the site more useful when I remembered we were still connected and I should probably rectify that. I went to remove him but he had already taken care of it. I was a bit puzzled by this since he never used the site other than for our nightly video “Hangout” sessions. His picture was different too. Odd.

Then I noticed a new chick face in his tiny circle list, it was like my eyeballs were lasers and went straight to the picture. My mind began racing. I looked at his Facebook page, same face added the day he booted me. We have not even been broken up a week, as a matter of fact I just flew back from visiting him last Wednesday, and he already has a new whatever. I have no idea who she is to him, I want to think she is a friend but…

I remembered seeing something odd in my FB feed before I went to visit him; he had “liked” a random bakery from some town in Alabama. It seemed really random and out of place. I forgot about it until now. I looked at that page and there was the same chick face, she is the owner.

My heart sank even further. My mind is a swirling mess.

The Universe Was Warning Me

Before my last visit to see him, I hurt me knee. I already felt gross, cold, sick of winter and now my knee hurt. Great. I really was not in the mood to travel but I also wanted to see him.

Things had felt off for a while, he was busy working more and more, had started to talk less, email less and just seemed distracted. I asked repeatedly if he wanted me to come and he did. I asked repeatedly if things were okay with us and he assured me all was well. I assumed when we were together we would get in sync again.

But the Universe tried to tell me that was not going to be the case.

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My Breakup Culpability

As all relationships are a two-way street, I need to examine my part in our demise. I am trying to not beat myself up or wallow in the negative, but if I am to learn from this, I need to have an accurate picture of the situation. I am also trying to be careful to not excuse his behavior or take responsibility for his actions, as I sometimes feel more comfortable doing so.

I was ignoring my needs. There were things I wanted from our relationship, from any relationship, that were not being fulfilled. I tried to talk to him, to find ways to get what I needed but I was not successful. Over time, I pushed those things aside thinking that was the right thing to do, but upon reflection, it was just the easy thing to do and it put a barrier between us I did not acknowledge.

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Peeling Back The Layers

When I first got dumped, the harshness and suddenness of it sent me in a tailspin. I was so full of grief and sadness that I was not able to think of much more than the pain and the confusion. Now that I have a little bit of distance, I am able to start thinking about it with a bit more perspective.

Our situation was such that he was never able to visit my world; I was always going to his. I didn’t mind it but I would have liked to have the chance to bring him into my life more. I keep my relationships private, this rambling blog aside, but he was nearly a secret, which is too bad.

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Back To My Goals and Going Overboard

One of my goals is to rejuvenate my relationships with family and old friends. I have had some nice email chats and made some plans to get together. It will be fun and I look forward to it. Going to visit my family next week…yay. I even went to the doctor, confirmed my knee was just sprained, not torn and got all set for some swim therapy. (So much progress it blows the mind.)

Of course I had to be a bit of a nutter in the process. (OF COURSE)

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Why Do I Want To Be Friends With My Ex?

As much as I hate losing my boyfriend, I hate losing my friend. It is really hard to not have him in my life. It is the little things, the day-to-day rituals that seem to be the hardest to let go. Things pop in my mind and I want to tell him or send him a note, but I can’t. He is gone.

I know it would not be healthy to try to be friends right now while I am still reeling from the sudden break, but to never talk to him again makes me so sad. Also, we have tried to be friends before but that didn’t work very well due to a lack of honesty on his part and lingering feelings on mine. But still, how can he no longer be in my life? Hardy seems fair or right.

I remind myself that we do not know what the future holds. Maybe some day, when the time is right, we will connect again. Maybe in time I will no longer desire his friendships. Maybe I will finally master The Force. Who knows? But I have to stop worrying about NEVER and just focus on now.

It Has Arrived: The Social Media Purge

It is fact of life now that when you breakup there is the social media unfriending frenzy. It is probably a cathartic ritual for some, a little FU with every delete. The logical side of me knows this step is the best for both of us and allows each of us to move on freely, but the emotional side, which is currently in charge, hates each broken connection.

I was not ready for these additional virtual breakups, just like I wasn’t ready for the real dumping, however, my ex was able to get right on it.

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I Miss Him and I Miss Our Rituals

I miss him and I miss our rituals. Tuesday night we always watched the reality show, Face Off. It was one of our “things.” Do I watch it alone? Do I give up the show? How long will it be before these old habits are broken?

I watched it, or I should say it was on in the background while my thoughts drifted. I already forgot who won.

But It Was Only…

“But it was only a long-distance relationship.”

“But you weren’t really together that long.”

“But you had doubts.”

“It could be worse.”

I hear myself, and a couple friends, say these things as if there is some qualifier on a relationship to justify feeling like crap when it is over. I am not exactly sure why my brain keeps trying to dismiss my feelings or force a rationalization on something that is in no way rational, but I would be happy if my brain would just shut up. All of these are true BUT I am still sad and I am still grieving a loss and it will take time to feel right again.

I hope my better future self does not try to qualify my inevitable future pain or the pain of others but just offers understanding and an ear.