Even though I need to do more and ponder less, my first step to get out of my rut is more pondering. Pondering with a purpose to make an honest assessment of where I am and how I got here. I am pretty sure there are some inspirational quotes that perfectly fit here but I don’t feel like looking. (UM, THE INTERNET, YOU ARE ON IT)
I spent an afternoon in silence with a notebook, a handful of colored pens, letting my thoughts wander and writing down what seemed important. I paced, I played with my kitties, I doodled and I even dusted at one point. (BORING) I wish I could say I had some revelation but every thing that bubbled up, I already knew even if I was doing my best to not acknowledge it.
I’m in a rut. I’m not sure I’m depressed, but I am definitely not happy or content. Blah, in a funk, a rut, feeling down, sad, whatever I call it, I am not the best me I can be. (A RUT BY ANY OTHER NAME IS STILL ANNOYING)
I lack purpose and I am bored. Television has become my job, my DVR is my to do list. I read all the entertainment sites, track the shows I am looking forward to most, watch, write reviews and chat with fellow fans online. I numb my mind with TV yet feel some sense of accomplishment by cleaning my DVR and feel validation with every comment others find insightful. I have lost touch with music that brings me joy. I am not challenging myself in a way that I truly value. (IF YOU ARE BORED, IMAGINE HOW BORED YOUR INNER HECKLER HAS BEEN ZZZZzzzZZZZzzzzZZZ)
I am not taking good care of myself. As I slid into my rut, I slowly stopped eating healthy. I stopped walking regularly and no longer went swimming. Clutter built up. I was buying things I didn’t really need. I cancelled doctor appointments. I stopped returning calls and emails. (DON”T FORGET YOUR MESSY HAIR) I am still functioning in the world and do enough to get by, but I am not taking care of myself in the way I can and deserve. (LISTEN TO YOU)
I feel overwhelmed and anxious. I have had fits and starts of getting my self back on track over the last year but then I feel engulfed by the magnitude of it all. Instead of making baby steps toward progress, my inner perfectionist (MUCH MORE ANNOYING THAN YOUR INNER HECKLER) wants it all done right and right now. I don’t want the journey, just the result. I keep trying to make my world smaller and manageable so I ignore and avoid even more.
It is obvious all these things are intertwined and rely on the others for nourishment. (AS IN FEED OFF EACH OTHER) I can’t just address one at a time but luckily whatever I do will help everywhere. I am trying to be honest with myself but I don’t feel like I need a complete overhaul, I think a few tweaks should do a lot of good. For once, I would like to make some changes that shift my core self and are not just cosmetic or temporary. (HAVE YOU HEARD THAT OLD DOG/NEW TRICK SAYING?)