Henry Mancini is my second favorite composer of film score but hearing “Baby Elephant Walk” during every commercial break while watching the Tour de France is torture.
In all my travels, I have only hated one city and that city Cleveland, the Mistake on the Lake. Every time I hear the C word, I mutter “f#$k@ng Cleveland” to myself. Every time someone asks me to explain why I hate that hell hole, I see the look of regret on their face as I launch into a point-by-point detailed rant about my time there that often requires ducking to avoid my animated gestures.
Even at this point in my post, my jaw hurts like hell from clenching it trying to repress the profanity.
After my first night there I woke up expressing understanding for Art Modell and The Move to Baltimore. The 13 year old niece I was traveling with did not get the reference but knew I meant something.
Even though I do not follow Basketball, the payoffs were hell. I had to replace my filter repeatedly so as to not spew “f#$k@ng Cleveland” randomly in public. Although, from what I understand of the result, I might have gotten a high-five or two.
And now we have the RNC convention. Between the Trumpcapades and the host city, my soul might not survive this week; I am a delicate flower after all.
I am going to try some breathing techniques, chanting positive mantras, journaling, and enjoy some extra dark chocolate at night as I try to keep me calm. I would love to break my Pavlovian response to any mention of C-town but I probably have a better chance of never eating sugar again…especially since I stocked up.
Wish me luck. F#$k*@g Cleveland!
My cooking process:
1) Identify previously bought ingredient I need to use before it goes to waste.
2) Hunt for interesting, healthy-ish recipe while eating a snack, most likely not healthy.
3) Find recipe(s) that uses a couple ingredients I have.
4) Make grocery list for the dozens of ingredients I do not have.
5) Go to store.
6) Unpack groceries.
7) Go back to store for the 1-3 items I forgot since I didn’t look closely at my list.
8) Unpack groceries. Again.
9) Rest. Eat snack I bought at grocery store on the second trip.
10) Motivate self to cook since I have now lost all interest and a delivered pizza sounds better.
11) Prepare ingredients. Snack on prepped food as I go.
12) Get distracted by anything more interesting than cooking. (repeat 11 and 12 until done)
13) Bandage cuts from distracted prep work.
14) Cook the damn thing already.
15) Eat cooked food that I now resent for wasting my whole day.
16) Get full really fast because I snacked too much.
17) Put food in fridge, congratulate self for making tomorrow’s lunch.
18) Consider pros and cons of cooking.
Swim Instructor: How has practice been going?
Inner Voice #1: LIE! She does not need to know you have been slacking.
Inner Voice #2: You are an adult. Just tell her you didn’t practice. It is not like she can ground you.
Inner Voice #3: Don’t lie, just SPIN it!.
Me: With the nice weather, I thought I would take the opportunity to cross-train and power walk.
Swim Instructor: That’s smart. ::Blah, blah, blah, other stuff I didn’t hear after she said smart.::
Inner Voice #3: Spin for the win!
Inner Voice #1: Nothing you do can be called “power walking,” I’d say the lies win!
Inner Voice #2: I retract the “adult.”
Watching George Carlin’s 1977 live at USC comedy special and find it just as relevant and funny today as then, especially his commentary on language and his fascination with words. It is hilarious that HBO of all places had a lengthy disclaimer/introduction/warning before the show and this 30second paused shot before his last bit.
I would love watching Game of Thrones with Leslie Jones and Seth Myers. Hilarious. (Spoilers if not caught up…also, you are lame so catch up!)
I have the worst stomach ache of my adult life not caused by actual disease. Because I can’t stop eating cherries when they are in front of me. Because I thought ordering a giant box from a fruit truck was a genius idea. Because I have no idea what 25 pounds of cherries looks like. Because I will be pitting these for the next 24 hours or until I explode like that dude in my 3rd favorite Monty Python movie.
Also, I need recipes for frozen cherries.
Unrelated also, Shark Week starts Sunday!! ~~~~^~~~~