I am not sure the origin is this morning’s Osmond earworm, but it has led me to discover the most awesome jumpsuit choreography ever (sorry Elvis). Back before Donny’s rise made the rest of the brothers irrelevant and before Maria squashed them all, Down By The Lazy River!
If you ever hear about an older lady with uncombed hair going completely batshit at people in the Uptown Cub for not picking up their feet and shuffling in their flipflops, know this:
1) There is a 99.9999% chance it will be me.
2) There is a 100% chance it will be deserved.
3) It is possible to walk in flipflops without dragging them on the ground. It is.
4) I was too tired to comb my hair, it looked FINE.
5) I know this is a completely ridiculous thing over which to have a meltdown but my annoyance goes back decades.
6) I should be praised for all the times I did not say something.
8) I hope it is filmed for your entertainment.
The most sincerely joyful thing on TV has to be James Corden and Carpool Karaoke.
At the intersection of Dupont and Lake, I push the walk button and patiently wait. Others come and we all wait, staring intently at the sign, willing it to change from the bossy red hand to the jaunty white walker indicating we are free to continue to our destination.
Another lady joins us, walks in front of the crowd and pushes the button while stepping on the tip of my exposed big toe with her thick walking shoes. I look down at her and without taking the slightest beat to let any filter be deployed say, “Soooo, I’m a moron who can’t push a button?”
She continued pushing the button as if she was a young child discovering the joys of pushing buttons for the first time with no parent around to scold them. Again and again. Over and over. “If you push it like this the light changes faster,” she proudly shares. My eyes rolled so hard I sprained the left one.
A few seconds later, as if electronically timed, the light changed. She looked up at me beaming with the joy reserved for those who can make the world bend to their wishes via excessive poking. In trying not to roll my eyes again, I sprained the right one.
“OMG! You were right,” I said in that tone I get where you need to know me well to tell if it is sarcasm or not. She skipped into the street, turning slightly suggesting, “Try it some time. It works.” I muttered, “If I do, someone punch me,” and the dude next to me let out a single, loud “HA” as we exchanged a knowing glance indicating walk sign comprehension and idiot detection.
As I continued my walk, I wondered how many more years I have before I am no longer allowed to interact with the public.
“Welcome back to American Ninja Warrior. While you were away, 3 boring people ran the course. Now here is a segment about a dude and his family and how training for Ninja Warrior saved his life. Please cry and tweet using our snappy hashtag. Also, enjoy this awkward interview from the chick chosen for her ability to ask how people feel after having their dreams crushed and not for her hair and boobs, we swear.”
Pilates Instructor: I consider you mostly normal now.
Inside Voice #1: Normal?!? WTF?!?
Inside Voice #2: Mostly?!? WTF ?!?
Me: I think that is a compliment, so thanks.
Dude in Whirlpool: So, how do you like that snorkel?
Inside Voice #1: Ugh. People. Initiating disinterested blank stare in 3…2…1…
Inside Voice #2: Oh, be nice for once!
Me: I love it, it helps me focus more on my form and less on breathing.
Dude in Whirlpool: I should get one too! Do they come in other colors? Was it hard to get used to? My doctor tells me I need to swim more. I used to run, I have a few injuries. Maybe I should take lessons. Where did you buy it? Neck…sore….injury… old…doctor….blah… blah….blah…
Inside Voice #1: I told you so.
Inside Voice #2: Sorry, my bad.
Inside Voice #3: Time to make a grocery list and crank up the brain jukebox. Chicken, veggies, no sugar, no sugar, no sugar, lalalalala
Swim Instructor: How has practice been going?
Me: Fine. I think. You tell me.
Swim Instructor: Well, today I am going to film you and we can decide together.
Inside Voice 1: Da f**k you will!!!
Inside Voice 2: Positive body thoughts. Positive body thoughts. lalala
Me: Okay. If you think it will help.
::It didn’t help. My eyes hurt.::