Category: Dorktastic

Ear Plug Livin’

 

Once12418958_10208021887725990_4568619666143247257_o, I would go to a concert with no coat, no matter how frozen the tundra, let my ears bleed, and enjoy a beer or vodka or both. Now it is coat check, ear plugs and solo cups with tap water. Where once was violent head bobbing or swaying appropriate to the performance, there is now fidgeting to keep the back from acting up. I still stand in my preferred location but must remind myself not to get annoyed by the bumping from punks in my space. I can always locate others older and crankier than me but I know there will come a day when I won’t. I will be the oldest, most frail, mostly deaf, outta style lady there. I will win!
#youkidsgetoffmylawn #muststayhydrated #ineedachair #turnitdown

Good Morning Minneapolis!

On my way to Pilates in the dark, trying to convince myself I am awake, that my yoga pants are keeping my legs warm and that my hand is healed enough for the reformer straps, I was nearly overwhelmed by the urge to scream. The people waiting for buses at the Hennepin station looked like an artistic installation. Each person/pillar was placed just far enough away from the other to allow another human to weave her way through while still respecting personal boundaries, they stared blankly in different directions, no eye contact was not made or sought. As I made my way through the maze, I just wanted to shout, “Good Morning Minneapolis!!” joyously at the top of my lungs. I chuckled imagining the horrified and stunned looks on their faces as I shook them out of their catatonia. I wanted to shout but I didn’t. It was 6:30am and I am not a nutter.

A Visit To Urgent Care

Things an urgent care doctor does not appreciate on a Sunday morning*:

– Hilarious impression of Monty Python’s Black Knight, “Tis but a scratch”
– Asking why there are no references to zombie bites on the wound care handouts
– Asking if I should have just cut off my hand like they would do on The Walking Dead
– Asking for mega dose of vaccine for what ever waiting room dude was trying to hack up
– More hilarious impressions of Monty Python’s Black Knight
– Asking if pus is so bad, why does the body produce it
– Basically doing the entire Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

*Anti-vaguebooking footnote: Cut on hand from a kitchen knife, healed; cut on hand from a craft knife, nearly healed; itty, itty bitty barely puncture from cat on most-used index finger, blown up and cracked like too-quickly cooked sausage.

I need a readout system for my body. I want to push a button, beep bop deet do (yes, my readout will have sound) and instantly know the origin of unexplained bruises or body aches. I am willing to insert chips or matrix-like plugs if they are stylish or concealed in a top knot. An upgradable system with add-ons such as “why did I come in this room” or “what is on my grocery list” would be useful too.

Cat Fight

After 7.5 years of calm, my cats have had a falling out with giant, clumsy cat hissing and swatting at the other if it gets near. I don’t speak cat exactly, but I think this is an accurate translation:
Kato: Stop touching me. You always get your way and you ruin everything. Go away and get out of my room!
Spike: Your just jealous because I can jump higher and she likes me better.
Kato: I’m just big boned and you’re adopted.
Spike: So are you, Einstein.
Kato: Shut Up!
Me: Both of you go away!