Giant
clumsy kitty looks so peaceful…it takes all my willpower to not poke him in the nose.
Category: Dorktastic
Kitty devours his gross canned food and his hypoallergenic, expensive-as-hell dry pellets, but my protein bars are so offensive he repeatedly attempts to bury them while I “enjoy” breakfast.
Either he is pro eggs and bacon or he thinks I should just have some of the Christmas cookies in the freezer.
Grape Salad Scandal
My favorite thing about NY Times silly assertion that “grape salad” is a traditional thanksgiving dish of Minnesota is that the small talk in the gym finally moved away from the weather for a few days.
It takes so much effort to not punch some oldster saying “cold enough for ya?”
Winter Math
Hat + Turtle Neck = Weird Pinheadness
(Wind + Exposed Face) – Kleenex = Awkward Unexpected Runny Nose
(Ice Layer + Snow Layer) x Wind Gust = Butt Clench
Butt Clench > Butt on Ground
As I looked at my cat, paws on my chin pushing me away, ears tucked backwards, I wondered, does baby talk annoy him?
Based on the freakish puffiness and redness of today’s lips, I am allergic to something in yesterday’s lipstick. Based on the freakish puffiness of today’s lips, last night’s lipstick is a keeper.
If only my cats understood this whole fall back an hour business…if only
Number 1 lie of all doctors: This won’t hurt a bit.
Things I Recently Forgot To Do In The Proper Order
Put glass to mouth before tilting.
Put on the lotion before putting on the jeans.
Push in clutch before attempting to shift.
Put car in neutral before attempting to idle.
Put leg in car before shutting door.
Remove thumb before shutting cabinet.
Think before speaking.
Play with cat before everything.
Bring money before shopping.
Plug in vacuum before attempting use.
Put vacuum away before attempting to step over it.
Retract toes before stubbing.
Proofread before publishing.
I Have A Thing About Bananas
I have a thing about bananas, not a good thing either. I make people throw their peels away in garbage cans on the other side of the building and double bagged. They make me shudder. My nightmare has come to life:
