It just isn’t summer until I have a giant bug bite on my face that looks like a zit spawned from a teenager being assaulted by hormones. It is summer.
Category: Dorktastic
Sarcastic fringehead shark is my spirit animal.
Playtime
Wake up! I demand you do what you do so I can chase this leather strip until I am panting and exhausted. Then you will do it again after I nap. And again. And again.
#loudestalarmever #relentless #cat
At 5am all animals, especially birds in the hood and cats who think they are starving despite a perfectly good bowl of dry food, suck.
Things that would be awesome:
1) If I could stop biting the inside of my mouth.
2) If I had self cleaning clothes and dishes….and cats.
3) If once a week all other humans were required to get out of my way or just stay in their homes for 4 hours.
4) If I could find the most perfect pillow with a balance of fluffiness and firmness.
5) World peace. No animal poaching. Equality. That kind of stuff.
Today I made a few wrong turns but still managed to get where I was going. I thought to myself, wow, that this is an apt analogy for life…then my syrupy positivity made me barf in my mouth. Glad that is over.
Patience
I hate being thanked in advance for my patience. What if I don’t feel like being patient today? What if my inner Varuca Salt wants to throw herself on the ground and throw a massive fit? What if I want to practice creative swearing? Nope, I have been thanked so I guess I have to be patient. Sucks.
Esther Williams
Watching an Esther Williams musical and I am so envious of her shoulder rotation on her backstroke…hoping mine will pick up a few pointer and maybe I could swim a straight line for once.
Thank You Easter Bunny!
Things that do not help sell a rotisserie chicken:
1) Dude arranging condiments under the chicken with full on hairy, pimpled plumbers crack. HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL A BREEZE?
2) ummm, who cares can’t get past the crack.
Need brain bleach. Need vegetarian recipes. Need a new grocery store.
sugar TANTRUM 