Russian Thinkfluencers

When watching this I had 2 conflicting thoughts:
1) When I was under my non radiation-blocking school desk during the nuclear bomb drills, I never imagined a disinformation war would have more impact on me.
2) Why can’t I get paid to be a dick on the internet?

The Internet is bonkers!


What’s With All That Jello?

In the checkout line at the grocery store, I stared as a gentleman unpacked a pile of 60+ packets of jello, 4 bags of green apples, 1 packet of sage and a Luna bar while the clerk slowly changed the register tape. The amount of jello confused me. Is there a sale? Has jello salad become popular again? Does the purchaser work at a nursing home? As the clerk began scanning one packet at a time, she loudly blurted out, “what you need with all this jello?” Yes! the world wants to know. In a muffled tone the man replied sheepishly, “um, jello shots.”

Duh. Of course jello shots! What else could it be but jello shots? I felt ashamed and old for not immediately knowing the obvious. I blame the sage for the confusion. Also, the dude looked well into his 70’s so party monster was not immediately evident. I assume a party is involved and not spiking of the neighborhood kid’s treat bags.

The clerk was confused, “Jello shots, what are those?” The old man was obviously uncomfortable as people from all sides turned to hear his answer. He muttered a reply so softly, I only heard “vodka” and “Halloween party.” He looked toward me, as if he wanted me to back him up on jello shots being a thing in the Halloween party realm.

I could have his back. I have served jello shots. I even dressed as a shot one year for Halloween. I also know what those apples are for having taken a baggie of soaked apple slices to a showing of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” declaring, “what can they get me for, open apple.”
Instead, I chose not to nod in support but to continue my blank stare. The same stare I use when out in public pretending I do not recognize someone I know because I look unpresentable or just don’t feel like human interaction. I excel at this stare.

Own your truth dude! You are super old but still young enough to have a party with alcohol served in tasty slimy squares. Be proud. Don’t expect some stranger who is clearly not invited to your party to help you out if you can’t be assertive about your future debauchery.

The clerk continued to shake her head in confusion as the man hurriedly packed up his items and rushed out the door. I was left with my boring chicken and Brussels sprouts, nostalgic for parties past but hopeful that I too will need a few cases of jello packets in about 20 years and not just because it is the only thing I can digest.

Reason #17 Why I Am The Absolute Worst

Me: All people want the same thing, harmony, safety, fairness, opportunity, chocolate, we just have differing opinions on how to get to what we want. People might disagree but that doesn’t make them evil. They might support a different candidate than me but that doesn’t make them stupid, they are just prioritizing their needs differently and have their own biases, just like I have mine. Even if the candidate I do not like gets elected, we can all still work together to make the world better. No matter what, we have to support free speech and everyone’s right to vote and express themselves.

::hears person talk about election::

Me: OMG morons everywhere!! What the hell is going on? Why is everyone suddenly so stupid? I should be the only one allowed to vote. Idiots. That’s it. No one talk to me ever again about anything. I need valium and whatever they prescribe for anxiety. Maybe an island full of wine, chocolate and cute animals. Aarrgh!! &^%$#@!!!!! ….breath….breath….breath…..2 more weeks…2 more weeks…

World Series 2016

I’m going to have to stay neutral for the World Series. On one hand I have an unhealthy hatred of pretty much everything related to Cleveland, horrible logos or not, but, on the other hand, I fear a mass identity crisis befalling all Cubs fans if they actually win. A seismic shift from constant anticipointment to victory might fracture the psyche of an entire city including the bandwagoners and I don’t think we have the support systems in place to deal with the fallout. Scary.

Cat Videos Help

Well crap. I finished. I have now watched every baby animal and “jerky cat” video in existence on the inter webs. Not sure how I am going to get through 2 more debates and 4 more weeks of this election so someone better film a kitty biting a puppy tail and both falling off a bed video soon or my head is gonna pop.

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