My Ridiculous Foray With Undulation Ropes

I imagine some dudes were sitting around having a drink and a smoke when they began laughing at how humans will do anything if they believe it will help them lose weight and become a sexy beast. One thing lead to another, shots were taken, and eventually they came up with the idea of giant-ass ropes that humans will wave up and down earnestly believing that they have finally discovered the magical secret to flat abs and super hero strength.

I bet these dudes laughed even harder the next day, hung over, when they looked at their ideas sketched on bar napkins. The laughs must have continued as they enjoyed a brunch Bloody Mary and one dared the other to actually see if he could get his trainer clients to perform the feat.

And he did, and the client did, and they named this crazy exercise routine the Undulation Ropes. And then a bunch of stuff happened and one day I found myself in the gym standing in front of these giant pieces of poly blended material laughing my ass off. Side note: If only I could laugh my ass off, working out would be so much more awesome. I would take freezing my ass off too but only if it could be done symmetrically.

So I stood there, one rope in each hand, lifted them up and promptly returned them to my side. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I am supposed to what? And this will help me what? And how do I not look like a tool?

Finally I composed myself and began. Legs hip-length apart, ropes firmly in each hand and I used my whole body to slam these ropes down to create a single wave. The exercise is called “single wave” meaning the two ropes work together to form a continuous wave pattern. For me, I created one wave that petered out before it even made its way down the length of the rope.

Hahahahahahahahahaha. I began to laugh again at how so much effort on my part resulted in such a limp output from the rope. I continued and eventually I managed to get a wave formation flowing…barely. Also, flowing was the sweat off my body. So gross.

I was exhausted. I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor mat like I used to do in kindergarten and take a nap. Only my desire to not make a bigger spectacle of myself kept me on my feet and heading home to my comfy bed.

Surely, this sweat and exhaustion will result in killer abs and melting hips! I want to believe! I am Mulder and the Undulation Rope truth is out there!

My inner Scully remains unconvinced, however. This sweat and exhaustion could be nothing more than a trap convincing us humans that we are totally going to be a svelte beast if we continue thwacking these obnoxious ropes down on the gym floor in a rhythmic pattern until we can no longer move when in fact we are just looking silly for the amusement of others.

Even knowing it is a trap, knowing I look like a ridiculous tool using all my might to barely move these thick, heavy ropes, I am going to thwack again and hope for the best. After all, I am human and I want some fat melt. And until I can actually laugh my ass off, I will undulate ropes and throw in the laughs just for fun.

Reconnecting With My Great Love

My greatest love of all might just be Old Dutch Dutch Cruncher Potato Chips. I love them. I love how they crunch, how they taste, how they smell. I even love the greasy fingers I am left with after pounding a bag as it makes my hands feel so soft. They are the perfect thickness of chip with the perfect amount of fake flavor coating. They do not cheat on me, lie to me or make me cry and they are always there whenever I need them. My last meal needs to be a bag of Mesquite Bar-B-Que chips and a piece of chocolate cake. Mmmmmm.

But, with Operation Suck Less 2014 ™ I have had to forgo these tasty morsels as part of my attempt to kick my triangle of death addiction that is salt, sugar and grease.

When I first gave them up in February, it was easy but about a month later I could hear them calling to me from the grocery store begging me to eat them. I had to plan my shopping visits very carefully so I would not succumb to their taunts. I even dreamt about them one night which is rather creepy. The junk food addiction is strong in this one and my body did not know what to do without its familiar fuel. My will power held fast and eventually I forgot about my love and moved on to other less satisfying but better for me snacks.

My will power held strong, until last night.

Continue reading “Reconnecting With My Great Love”