Pro Tips For A Proper Sugar Tantrum

A true sugar tantrum is an art, a tasty act of self-sabotage that you will regret and swear to never do again until the next time you do it again. It is more than a mere cheat that can be balanced with a few extra miles on the treadmill. A tantrum requires style, attention to detail and variety. You will be paying for this fit for weeks to come, make it worth all that future effort.

Here are five tips to take your everyday cheat and turn it into a memorable aggressive act with tasty flair:

Listen To Your Body
Don’t assume you know what your tantrum needs, listen to your body and let it tell you what you are craving. Just because Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia worked the last time, does not mean that your inner fiend is up for it now. Maybe you really need some Cookie Dough instead.

If it helps, go to the grocery snack aisle, close your eyes and let the processed foods call to you. Sure, you might look stupid but that is a sacrifice you must make for awesomeness. Be sure to stand out of the way when you close your eyes to avoid injury. You don’t want to annoy the mom loading up on super foods who secretly just wants a bag of Oreos all to herself and a nap, she’ll cut you.

Buy Quality
If you are going to have a tantrum, buy quality. No off-brands that are kinda-sorta-maybe what you want, those will never satisfy you in the end. All empty calories are not made equal.

If you want chocolate cake covered in a dark chocolate ganache, get one from the bakery. Little Debbie Devil Squares are cheaper but that “chocolate” coating is cut with so much filler and chemicals it is only chocolate the same way a crayon is, by name. Think any television show about drug trafficking – The bakery has the pure cartel heroin while Little Debbie is pushing that street stuff that is mostly baking soda and no one can get high off it anymore. You want the high of the cartel china white or whatever it was called on The Wire.

As a bonus, you might actually save yourself some calories. No matter what you tell yourself, you are pounding that whole box of semi-satisfying Devil Squares chasing the sugar rush you desire. But that rich, dark cake will satisfy you after a few bites. You still might not stop until you pound it all, but you COULD.

Don’t Be Lazy
If you have listened to your body and you know you want your favorite cake but it can only be bought at a bakery a few miles away, don’t hesitate, go get it.

Maybe they put just a hint of ancho chili pepper in their butter cream for a surprising dash of heat that you have been thinking about for months since you reluctantly tried it at a party, certain it would suck, but then had to refrain from smashing your face into the whole cake to gobble it up; it’s cute at your 1st birthday party, unacceptable at someone else’s 50th.

No other cake with boring plain butter cream will calm the cravings, you know it, and your fiend knows it, so go get the one you want. Don’t be lazy.

Variety Matters
Your palate requires variety, be it a gourmet tasting meal or a junk fest. When selecting your foods, ensure you have an assortment of textures, temperatures and flavors.

Cakes are wonderful but true rage eating requires something to crunch as well. How can you properly express your dissatisfaction with a boss or co-worker if you can’t grind your teeth into something that will shatter into tasty shards of stress relief in your mouth?

And temperature diversity adds a bit of challenge to the mix. How fast can I eat this ice cream and not get a brain freeze? How soon can I devour this freshly baked pie without scalding all my taste buds? It just makes the binge more fun. A binge should be fun after all; it helps the rage go down.

Sweets are the first things to come to mind when thinking sugar tantrum, but there are other taste buds that need to get in on the festivities. You can’t have a party in your mouth when only the sugar buds are dancing. Don’t forget the other four flavors: salt, sour, bitter, and umami (savory). If you really want to go for it, some scientists say astringent and pungent (eg chili) should be included as well. So grab those sour patch kids, that bucket of pasta, those spicy chili cheese fries and rage away.

Don’t Forget The Salt And Fat
Most processed foods already include the perfect balance of salt, fat and sugar, the “triangle of death,” to ensure your body wants more and more until it can’t even take a wafer thin mint. Still, take a final look at your selections to ensure salt and fat are represented.

Salt enhances flavor. So naturally lots of salt pushes taste over the cliff, taking each flavor to eleven. You might be a bit puffy the next day, but that bloat could also be from the sugar. Also, that is the next day, worry about it then.

Fat just makes everything more satisfying. Food is smoother; it slides through the digestive system more efficiently and help it push past any clogs and gunk that might be stuck in there from previous indulgences that did not include enough fat. Probably.

Fat improves texture in your food and in your skin. Those fat calories push their way to the surface of your body, filling any fine lines and smoothing out wrinkles while making your skin feel like a baby’s butt. Don’t test this cuz’ that would be creepy. You could spend money on expensive lotions and creams, or, you could make your food taste better and grease up from the inside!

If it is time to take your frustrations with the world out on yourself, do it with style and make it count. Just don’t count calories, ain’t nobody got time for that at a sugar tantrum!