I spent a good amount of time trying to calm my brain down after the gummy bear discovery but nothing seemed to deter me from wanting to know more. I went full-on-psycho-ridiculous-obnoxious-creeper-ex-girlfriend-nutter and started looking everywhere for some scrap of information.
I am not even sure what I was hoping to find. But I found it. There for all to read was a tweet from new chick obviously referencing my ex, saying he “deemed her ‘irresistible’ last night.” “Last night” as in the second day of my visit when I was sitting next to him on the couch after a day touring various local attractions. What? When the hell did he have time? How did I miss this? WTF? How is this possible?
I had wondered, but I actually did not believe he was already involved with another before we ended, other than she had piqued his interest. But no, there was much more going on.
I was so angry, hurt, sad, confused…humiliated. How did I miss this? How is this possible?
I wanted to call him. To talk to him and find out what the hell happened. I wanted to e-mail him a “gotcha” rant. I wanted to e-mail her. Instead I just freaked out, paced the floor, talked to a friend, and swirled.
I could try to contact him, but he was not going to talk to me. I was never going to get the answers I wanted. What answers do I even want? I could message her but what good would that do other than demonstrate that I am the sad, psycho ex-girlfriend and that is not a role I feel comfortable portraying.
Why did he cheat? While I will never know when and how things began, he cheated on me on some level. It hurts, it sucks and I do not understand why it was even necessary. If he no longer loved me, fine, it happens. End things with me before taking up with another.
How could he lie? I don’t understand the need to cheat but I really do not understand the point of lying. I’m a big girl; I can handle the truth. We have had this conversation before; I would much rather have a painful truth over a lie any day. It is hard to reconcile the smiling, loving face I was kissing with the person lying to me and going after another. I am stunned by how adept he is at lying.
How did I not know? This I do not understand at all. I know him. I know his tendencies. I had warning signs, I even noticed all the warning signs and yet I was clueless. I never put the obvious pieces together. I never imagined I would be such an idiot girlfriend. I am stunned by how adept I am at being fooled.
Taking these tiny scraps of information and filtering them through my past experience with him, I imagined he was already in love, moving swiftly forward with a new life. I felt like I was tossed out with the trash. I am the old worn out whatever, easily replaced with a shiny new one. No baggage, no tediousness, no history. The slate was clean. Stories are new, everything is bright and full of possibilities. He could continue his life with an upgrade, not even the slightest blip to his routine, never having to give the old version a second thought.
It is really quite a crappy feeling being on this end of it.
I started to reevaluate every conversation, ever action. Which were lies? When did they begin? Did he really go bowling that time? Did he really have all that extra work? Who were all those Facebook alerts from? Did he ever love me? Was he laughing at my foolishness?
My mind is a terrible thing; every thought was compounded by competing positive and negative commentary. Beating me up, tearing him down, validating my opinion or reinforcing my loss.
I was numb and having a hard time organizing my thoughts then an exhaustion set in unlike any I have felt in quite sometime. Going bat-shit really takes a toll on a girl. I slept hard but had some pretty horrible dreams.
I am still not sure what to with all these feelings. I want to know the whole truth but I am not going to have it. I do not want to lose all the good bits of our relationship but now I wonder which of the good parts were actually real. This crappy break-up blows!