I find myself repeatedly asking “why” as if some narrator with a soothing voice, I pick Morgan Freeman, will calmly explain what happened and provide comfort. I keep wondering what I am going to do. I feel like I have never had such pain or loss or like I am the only person in the known universe who has ever had a breakup. I want to whinge and moan all over the interwebs until everyone knows my pain and somehow I become a meme…not a mean one though, something cute and funny maybe including a shark.
But the reality is I know I will survive, I know I am not the only person in pain, I am sure I am not even the only person dumped by text in the last 24 hours. This isn’t the end of the world it just sucks balls. Blah.
This is also an opportunity for me to try and change some of my patterns and deal with the pain head on and not ignore it or curl up in a ball and let my life fall apart around me. I want to actually feel it all, to process it, to learn about myself, to be like all those normal humans I see around me. I want to be able to walk away with all the positives of my relationship and not be one of those bitter people who become consumed by the rage.
I am going through more than just a breakup. I have lost my best friend and the person who knew me best, made me laugh and shared with me silly things he knew I would love. Knowing that I am not going to have any connection with him any longer or know what happens with his life, his kids, is killing me. I also have the questions. There are missing pieces to this puzzle that make no sense to me and send my brain swirling. I don’t have the truth and I know it. I wish I was one of those people that could accept not knowing and move on but that is not me so it will take me time. He knows this about me well and that makes his cowardly move hurt even more.
I have no joy right now. None of my usual means of zoning out my brain are working. I can’t eat because I feel like I will barf. I can’t sleep because my brain won’t shut up. Music is a no go. TV is not numbing, it is just annoying noise. I only play with my cats so they will stop yelling at me for attention. Writing helps I guess.
I did reach out to some friends and to my family and that helped a lot. I feel sorry for them and my continuous word vomit because this might take a while to process. Blah. Again.